Yes, it's been a while. But now that I've publicly outed my pregnancy I figured I could start bitching and moaning about it, too. Fair is fair.
So, I'm about 5 months along. I keep getting colds. When you get a cold, you cough. When you're pregnant - coughing makes you pee yourself.
My new goal in life is not to pee myself. Pathetic...pathetic squared...pathetic infinity.
I will stop, mid-stride, to cross my legs and cough/sneeze. Then I just have to hope for the best.
Another pee thing - at the doctor I have to pee in a cup. I'm generally doing this once a month. I have completely underestimated the precision and accuracy of a penis...and for the first time in my life I find myself jealous of the snake that bit me.
Va-hoot-hoots have no accuracy. It's like one of those carnival games that's impossible to win. I try new things each time I go. I have tried to put the whole cup over the "area," creating some sort of vacuum seal...I don't know...the pee finds it's way onto my hand every time. Tips appreciated...
The boy.
Yes, it's a boy. With a penis. And balls.
Balls?
What do you even DO with those?
And then there's the circumcision...
Basically, I am to allow a doctor to cut a piece of my boy off, like, days after his birth.
"Here, doctor, see this flappy thing? Remove it promptly! I'm taking my boy's future sex life into consideration here!"
I mean, that's really what it's all about right? Looking the part? No turtle neck for my boy!
Fucking strange. But, I'm gonna do it anyway...so...moving on...
I'm a cranky pregnant person. I don't "glow." I don't become the epitome of happiness. I become enraged with jealousy when I see thin people. I'm "put-out" by having to eat more, pee more, and having doctors all up in my bid-niz all the damn time.
So, essentially, what I'm saying here...is this isn't the last you'll hear from me on the topic.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday's Anger
Don't ask me about that bitch Tracy. I do it sometimes but I hate her so much and I hate her little repetitive workout music more.
I was driving to work today and the amount of times I almost killed people were uncanny.
Humans...
We used to have the WALK/DON'T WALK signs in NYC. But now, since we have so many non-English speaking/illiterate people living here we have RED HAND (stop walking) or WHITE MAN (Walk) to tell these people what to do. I think they are confused because they all just walk no matter what. Red hand, white man, cars speeding by, they walk. They walk in MOBS, too - so you aren't just going to hit one, you will hit a bunch of them. They own the sidewalks and the streets...just walking, walking, all the time. Not just in the crosswalk either...they spontaneously pop out from between two parked cars and walk. Then they do one of two things - stare at you with a "I dare you" look on their faces or just plain don't look at all. They just cross, hoping I am not paying attention and hit them so they can sue me.
Cabs...
God, I should stretch before I get going on these mother fuckers. HATE is not a strong enough word. YOU CAN'T DRIVE! You obnoxious fucking assholes. YOU MERGE INTO MY FOCUS which forces me to bend over while you fucking cut me off like your yellow cab brothers have done ALL DAY LONG. I keep a cup holder full of spare change (not quarters, you are not even WORTH quarters) to throw at your windshield each and every time you do this to me. Know what else? When I am tailgating you so none of your little fucked up friends cut me off, you like to just STOP in the middle of the street, throw your hazards on and let people out. PULL OVER YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
Gypsy cabs...
The yellow cabs distant cousin. You are a last resort. No one likes you. The only time people get in your cars is when it's a shit storm outside and there isn't a yellow cab in sight. Why? Because you look like rapists who are waiting for unsuspecting women to get into your cars so you can drive away and sell them into human trafficking. Also, you can't drive worth a shit either. I sometimes wonder if you cover your eyes while driving just for fun.
People on bikes...
...look, I get that you are doing the right thing here. You are trying to exercise, save money on gas, be a liberal, whatever it is...that's great for you. But do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from me when I'm driving. No, you know what? Always. Just always stay the fuck away from me always. I hate you. I hate your bike. I hate your stupid helmet. I hate the little water bottle holder that flaunts your ability to wake up in the morning and not only workout but drink WATER instead of coffee. I hate how you sneak up behind me and then when I try to make a right turn you're all yelling at me because I nearly run you over. I hate how you can ride in the street but red lights don't apply to you. I hate how I have to slow down to 2 miles an hour when I'm behind you on a narrow street because I can't pass. I hate your little horn, too. Know what? I even hate you when I'm a pedestrian. I hate you always. Fuck off.
I was driving to work today and the amount of times I almost killed people were uncanny.
Humans...
We used to have the WALK/DON'T WALK signs in NYC. But now, since we have so many non-English speaking/illiterate people living here we have RED HAND (stop walking) or WHITE MAN (Walk) to tell these people what to do. I think they are confused because they all just walk no matter what. Red hand, white man, cars speeding by, they walk. They walk in MOBS, too - so you aren't just going to hit one, you will hit a bunch of them. They own the sidewalks and the streets...just walking, walking, all the time. Not just in the crosswalk either...they spontaneously pop out from between two parked cars and walk. Then they do one of two things - stare at you with a "I dare you" look on their faces or just plain don't look at all. They just cross, hoping I am not paying attention and hit them so they can sue me.
Cabs...
God, I should stretch before I get going on these mother fuckers. HATE is not a strong enough word. YOU CAN'T DRIVE! You obnoxious fucking assholes. YOU MERGE INTO MY FOCUS which forces me to bend over while you fucking cut me off like your yellow cab brothers have done ALL DAY LONG. I keep a cup holder full of spare change (not quarters, you are not even WORTH quarters) to throw at your windshield each and every time you do this to me. Know what else? When I am tailgating you so none of your little fucked up friends cut me off, you like to just STOP in the middle of the street, throw your hazards on and let people out. PULL OVER YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
Gypsy cabs...
The yellow cabs distant cousin. You are a last resort. No one likes you. The only time people get in your cars is when it's a shit storm outside and there isn't a yellow cab in sight. Why? Because you look like rapists who are waiting for unsuspecting women to get into your cars so you can drive away and sell them into human trafficking. Also, you can't drive worth a shit either. I sometimes wonder if you cover your eyes while driving just for fun.
People on bikes...
...look, I get that you are doing the right thing here. You are trying to exercise, save money on gas, be a liberal, whatever it is...that's great for you. But do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from me when I'm driving. No, you know what? Always. Just always stay the fuck away from me always. I hate you. I hate your bike. I hate your stupid helmet. I hate the little water bottle holder that flaunts your ability to wake up in the morning and not only workout but drink WATER instead of coffee. I hate how you sneak up behind me and then when I try to make a right turn you're all yelling at me because I nearly run you over. I hate how you can ride in the street but red lights don't apply to you. I hate how I have to slow down to 2 miles an hour when I'm behind you on a narrow street because I can't pass. I hate your little horn, too. Know what? I even hate you when I'm a pedestrian. I hate you always. Fuck off.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
PolkaDot Cupcake Shop
Just givin a HOLLA to my friend's cupcake shop. Only because I actually LIKE the cupcakes.
I ate one today, Tracy will be so disappointed. Oh the shame.
But it was worth it.
She delivers to the Tri-State area so check it out...
http://www.polkadotcupcakeshop.com/
CCCUUUPPPPCCCAAAAAKKKKEEESSSS!
I will never be thin. Ever. Fuck.
Love,
FattyMcButterPants
I ate one today, Tracy will be so disappointed. Oh the shame.
But it was worth it.
She delivers to the Tri-State area so check it out...
http://www.polkadotcupcakeshop.com/
CCCUUUPPPPCCCAAAAAKKKKEEESSSS!
I will never be thin. Ever. Fuck.
Love,
FattyMcButterPants
Tracy Anderabs Day 5
So, (not engaged) Friday was my anniversary (not engaged) and no, I am not engaged. So, can people stop asking me? THANKS. It's like getting fucking pecked to death by a chicken.
Saturday I planted an apple tree in my man's yard. That brought me happiness.
Sunday, mother's day. Nothing big. Breakfast out, park, walk by the beach, picnic, all that. Nice day.
Monday, I came home to find these pictures that I blew up of my girl like 2 years ago, framed and on my wall! Surprise! My man surprised me with a surprise I actually like! Yay!
Threw in the Tracy DVD...I definitely see progress in the amount I can do without taking a break. For instance, this blog is being typed a day AFTER the workout - meaning I did not stop long enough to log on and complain about it. This is good!
I can't tell if I am losing weight, or looking better, or whatever...but I still like the workout.
The thing I don't like:
In the beginning of the DVD it's all Tracy doing moves, or smiling, or showing off her AnderAbs. Everything from her white teeth to her smooth skin is starting to piss me off. There is no skipping this intro...so now I walk away until I hear the work out music because I just can't stand to look at her perfection.
I don't really like her face much...I think she has a big nose...I have a normal nose...so I beat her there.
Final score:
Tracy - 3,438,960,789,623,578
Me - 1
Saturday I planted an apple tree in my man's yard. That brought me happiness.
Sunday, mother's day. Nothing big. Breakfast out, park, walk by the beach, picnic, all that. Nice day.
Monday, I came home to find these pictures that I blew up of my girl like 2 years ago, framed and on my wall! Surprise! My man surprised me with a surprise I actually like! Yay!
Threw in the Tracy DVD...I definitely see progress in the amount I can do without taking a break. For instance, this blog is being typed a day AFTER the workout - meaning I did not stop long enough to log on and complain about it. This is good!
I can't tell if I am losing weight, or looking better, or whatever...but I still like the workout.
The thing I don't like:
In the beginning of the DVD it's all Tracy doing moves, or smiling, or showing off her AnderAbs. Everything from her white teeth to her smooth skin is starting to piss me off. There is no skipping this intro...so now I walk away until I hear the work out music because I just can't stand to look at her perfection.
I don't really like her face much...I think she has a big nose...I have a normal nose...so I beat her there.
Final score:
Tracy - 3,438,960,789,623,578
Me - 1
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tracy Anderbitch Day 4
Ok, so I didn't work out last night. I was borderline dead. I feel badly about skipping but, dude, when your whole body is broken it's really difficult to visualize working out and making it happen. I didn't overeat for the day - I just didn't work out with Tracy.
Put the workout DVD in just now. Arms, abs...check. Leg lifts? Che... ok you caught me, I'm on break. PS it's 40 leg lifts times 4 different ways of lifting equals 160 leg lifts on just one leg! She doesn't even alternate! She's all, bust out a quick 160 leg lifts on the right annnnddd switch to the left.
I think she is a robot. Or maybe her skeleton is titanium like Wolverine. I can't be sure but something is just not right about her.
I swear she is looking at me different today. I heard her whisper lazy fat slug or maybe that was just in my head.
I was 138 this morning. That's -2 lbs for those mathematically challenged. Going back...
Oh, the girl needs to be tucked in...I guess I'll have to take another break. Darn.
Workout mostly done. Can I stand to do cardio? I'd rather watch Vampire Diaries. I heard it was super awesome this week.
3 minutes and 50 seconds into cardio...break. I'm not making much progress with this am I?
I'm waiting for the day when I watch more than I do. Night folks.
Put the workout DVD in just now. Arms, abs...check. Leg lifts? Che... ok you caught me, I'm on break. PS it's 40 leg lifts times 4 different ways of lifting equals 160 leg lifts on just one leg! She doesn't even alternate! She's all, bust out a quick 160 leg lifts on the right annnnddd switch to the left.
I think she is a robot. Or maybe her skeleton is titanium like Wolverine. I can't be sure but something is just not right about her.
I swear she is looking at me different today. I heard her whisper lazy fat slug or maybe that was just in my head.
I was 138 this morning. That's -2 lbs for those mathematically challenged. Going back...
Oh, the girl needs to be tucked in...I guess I'll have to take another break. Darn.
Workout mostly done. Can I stand to do cardio? I'd rather watch Vampire Diaries. I heard it was super awesome this week.
3 minutes and 50 seconds into cardio...break. I'm not making much progress with this am I?
I'm waiting for the day when I watch more than I do. Night folks.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
TA...that skinny bitch...day 3
Home, sore as a mofo. Like every time I sneeze, laugh, cough...move...I hurt. Everything hurts.
Do I keep going? Do I workout tonight? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I pushed myself so hard I thought I might vomit. I'm not saying that for emphasis...I literally felt the need to throw up my dinner. That was when I gave up for the night.
Do I keep going? Do I workout tonight? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I pushed myself so hard I thought I might vomit. I'm not saying that for emphasis...I literally felt the need to throw up my dinner. That was when I gave up for the night.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tracy Day 2
I don't feel sore (yet?).
I have been fearing coming home all day because I knew Tracy was here waiting for me. But something happened during the car ride home...I felt like I wanted to come home and do the work out. As a matter of fact I couldn't wait. Weird.
Ate dinner, watched Gossip Girl...here goes...
140.6 lbs this morning. (I'm using this as a starting weight)
7:45 pm - starting with the work out first tonight...then cardio.
8:04 pm - made it through weights and abs without a break...then start the dreaded leg lifts. I wonder how many she does? 100 per leg? Tomorrow I'll count.
8:23 pm...Finished that...I think I did better today than yesterday, knew what to expect.
38 minutes for a 30 minute workout...ok...
Cardio is next...don't want to...meh...
barely half a cardio...must lay down...tomorrow's another day.
-FattyMcButterPants
I have been fearing coming home all day because I knew Tracy was here waiting for me. But something happened during the car ride home...I felt like I wanted to come home and do the work out. As a matter of fact I couldn't wait. Weird.
Ate dinner, watched Gossip Girl...here goes...
140.6 lbs this morning. (I'm using this as a starting weight)
7:45 pm - starting with the work out first tonight...then cardio.
8:04 pm - made it through weights and abs without a break...then start the dreaded leg lifts. I wonder how many she does? 100 per leg? Tomorrow I'll count.
8:23 pm...Finished that...I think I did better today than yesterday, knew what to expect.
38 minutes for a 30 minute workout...ok...
Cardio is next...don't want to...meh...
barely half a cardio...must lay down...tomorrow's another day.
-FattyMcButterPants
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tracy Anderson Day 1
While away on a beautiful vacation in Florida...I gained some weight...more weight? I gained fat. Additional fat that is in addition to the fat I had already accumulated.
Moving on...
I read all about Tracy Anderson (google her if you dare) and how she was fitness trainer to the stars! I was all, "Hey! I want to look like those movie stars!"
You know I am gullible.
My man says he will order me a test DVD. I say okay. I order her full line of DVDs in addition to this tester because I already know I will love her. I also order the sneakers she is wearing. I have issues...keep your opinion to yourself.
I tried out the "tester" DVD. It was dance cardio. I had to learn the steps. I learned 3 of the routines, I did one with the music up to speed. I nearly passed out. That was 3 days ago.
Today I am trying out the "Metamorphosis" DVD.
I wanted to chronicle this live, on the off chance I stick with this shit.
So, Day 1 of the 90 day program to shape my "accessory muscles" and make me "tiny." Tiny has never been used to describe me, even as an infant.
She gives a nice speech at the beginning. She talks about how I have to do an hour a day, 6 days a week. Ok...I'll bite...what else?
A food plan. Skip. I can't work out AND diet. That's a recipe for self-destruction.
Measurements...daily...ugh...fine.
Weight: 140 (142 at night...I'll weigh in tomorrow morning)
Waist at belly button: 35 inches...I'm not sucking it in.
Hips: 37 inches (there is only a 2 inch difference between waist and hips? Double fuck)
Arm: 11 inches
(this feels incredibly degrading)
Thigh: 21 inches
Calf: 14
Boobs: 36
Ribs: 31
I think I'll only do that once a week. That was annoying.
Starting cardio...
5 minutes, I need a break because I feel like I'm running a marathon.
15.01 minutes, She says I am more than halfway there and I assume this is some kind of mind trick. I'm sweaty and breathing hard. I find her perky non-bouncing boobs threatening.
Okay...going back...
Here again, I bet that was only 60 seconds, and I stood still for 30...
Energizing bunny bitch...
Faked my way to the end of cardio...on to the second DVD
Why am I 1.5 hours into a 1 hour workout?
She hurts me.
I'm out of shape and gross.
Does this ever end?
I made it...I hate her...see you tomorrow.
Moving on...
I read all about Tracy Anderson (google her if you dare) and how she was fitness trainer to the stars! I was all, "Hey! I want to look like those movie stars!"
You know I am gullible.
My man says he will order me a test DVD. I say okay. I order her full line of DVDs in addition to this tester because I already know I will love her. I also order the sneakers she is wearing. I have issues...keep your opinion to yourself.
I tried out the "tester" DVD. It was dance cardio. I had to learn the steps. I learned 3 of the routines, I did one with the music up to speed. I nearly passed out. That was 3 days ago.
Today I am trying out the "Metamorphosis" DVD.
I wanted to chronicle this live, on the off chance I stick with this shit.
So, Day 1 of the 90 day program to shape my "accessory muscles" and make me "tiny." Tiny has never been used to describe me, even as an infant.
She gives a nice speech at the beginning. She talks about how I have to do an hour a day, 6 days a week. Ok...I'll bite...what else?
A food plan. Skip. I can't work out AND diet. That's a recipe for self-destruction.
Measurements...daily...ugh...fine.
Weight: 140 (142 at night...I'll weigh in tomorrow morning)
Waist at belly button: 35 inches...I'm not sucking it in.
Hips: 37 inches (there is only a 2 inch difference between waist and hips? Double fuck)
Arm: 11 inches
(this feels incredibly degrading)
Thigh: 21 inches
Calf: 14
Boobs: 36
Ribs: 31
I think I'll only do that once a week. That was annoying.
Starting cardio...
5 minutes, I need a break because I feel like I'm running a marathon.
15.01 minutes, She says I am more than halfway there and I assume this is some kind of mind trick. I'm sweaty and breathing hard. I find her perky non-bouncing boobs threatening.
Okay...going back...
Here again, I bet that was only 60 seconds, and I stood still for 30...
Energizing bunny bitch...
Faked my way to the end of cardio...on to the second DVD
Why am I 1.5 hours into a 1 hour workout?
She hurts me.
I'm out of shape and gross.
Does this ever end?
I made it...I hate her...see you tomorrow.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Night at the "Museum"
Went to sleep over at a "Science Museum" with the girl, a Brownie trip.
I used the quotes there because this place is just as much a science museum as my apartment is a space station.
Let's start off with the fact that this place is a house...a 100 year old house that had a musty, old, dead smell. Before the bitterness took over, I was able to appreciate some of the history and detail of the house. But, I was quickly led to the room where we'd be sleeping. Hardwood floors friends. Not even a crappy, dust-ridden carpet. Just a hardwood dirty floor. Joy!
Let's just get to the meat of this, shall we?
1. Eleven girl scouts, four adults, one bathroom.
2. Lack of heat.
3. The freakshow of a tour guide that slept over with us. She appeared to have an aversion to soap. And toothpaste. And intelligence.
4. The only other mom there was the one that gives me the stink eye at every girl scout meeting. Let's cuddle!
5. I was assigned three girls. My kid, let's call the other two Grace and Dana.
6. Dana:
6a. "Giwls can get dwessed togethew because we all have da same pwivates!" (As she stripped down naked.)
6b. "My mom packed me a midnight snack! Toast with spway buttew!"
6c. Dana does not require a tissue to blow her nose. Doing so in her glove seemed to be perfectly acceptable.
7. My TexAss friend joked that there would be spiders. Trying to tease me. Not only were there spiders, they had a PET tarantula... WHAT THE FUCK?!
8. They made us hike...two hours at night to see nothing but snow and then an hour the next morning on the beach to see, you guessed it...snow! Surprise! Snow! Wow! How special! Wait...something about this mysterious white substance seems familiar to me...I can't quite put my finger on it... OH WAIT! I know! I HAVE HAD A FUCKING SHIT LOAD OF THIS BITCH COLD BULLSHIT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.
9. They had two rooms of animals. One room of reptiles (home of that dick tarantula) and one room of mammals that was the epicenter of the rancid stench that poisoned the entire house.
10. The kids fell asleep well after midnight and started waking up around 5:30. I got approximately 45 minutes of sleep...spaced out in 5 minute intervals. Some of those intervals may have been hallucinations of sleep. I can't be sure.
End result? I hate myself for agreeing to that trip. I couldn't hate myself more. It felt like Navy Seal boot camp - that I not only enrolled in willingly but PAID for.
My girl, though? She will tell you she had a GREAT time. She will tell you it was fun and she slept great and that she just cannot WAIT to go to camp in June. So... it made it all worthwhile. I have to say that, right?
'
I used the quotes there because this place is just as much a science museum as my apartment is a space station.
Let's start off with the fact that this place is a house...a 100 year old house that had a musty, old, dead smell. Before the bitterness took over, I was able to appreciate some of the history and detail of the house. But, I was quickly led to the room where we'd be sleeping. Hardwood floors friends. Not even a crappy, dust-ridden carpet. Just a hardwood dirty floor. Joy!
Let's just get to the meat of this, shall we?
1. Eleven girl scouts, four adults, one bathroom.
2. Lack of heat.
3. The freakshow of a tour guide that slept over with us. She appeared to have an aversion to soap. And toothpaste. And intelligence.
4. The only other mom there was the one that gives me the stink eye at every girl scout meeting. Let's cuddle!
5. I was assigned three girls. My kid, let's call the other two Grace and Dana.
6. Dana:
6a. "Giwls can get dwessed togethew because we all have da same pwivates!" (As she stripped down naked.)
6b. "My mom packed me a midnight snack! Toast with spway buttew!"
6c. Dana does not require a tissue to blow her nose. Doing so in her glove seemed to be perfectly acceptable.
7. My TexAss friend joked that there would be spiders. Trying to tease me. Not only were there spiders, they had a PET tarantula... WHAT THE FUCK?!
8. They made us hike...two hours at night to see nothing but snow and then an hour the next morning on the beach to see, you guessed it...snow! Surprise! Snow! Wow! How special! Wait...something about this mysterious white substance seems familiar to me...I can't quite put my finger on it... OH WAIT! I know! I HAVE HAD A FUCKING SHIT LOAD OF THIS BITCH COLD BULLSHIT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.
9. They had two rooms of animals. One room of reptiles (home of that dick tarantula) and one room of mammals that was the epicenter of the rancid stench that poisoned the entire house.
10. The kids fell asleep well after midnight and started waking up around 5:30. I got approximately 45 minutes of sleep...spaced out in 5 minute intervals. Some of those intervals may have been hallucinations of sleep. I can't be sure.
End result? I hate myself for agreeing to that trip. I couldn't hate myself more. It felt like Navy Seal boot camp - that I not only enrolled in willingly but PAID for.
My girl, though? She will tell you she had a GREAT time. She will tell you it was fun and she slept great and that she just cannot WAIT to go to camp in June. So... it made it all worthwhile. I have to say that, right?
'
Monday, January 31, 2011
Mistakes
I have pretty poor judgement.
I have yet to kill these parakeets, Big Bird and Blue (aka Doug) but now I hate them and wish they would die.
Isn't that always the way? You want something to live...it dies. You want something to die, it lives.
Lesson learned.
Idea: Say you really hated someone and had to give that person's child a gift. Immediately we think of drums. I'll do you one better...get em a couple of parakeets.
Reasons:
1. They NEVER shut the FUCK up.
2. They tell you to throw a blanket over them, tell them it's night time and they should sleep. Mine are like FUCK RIGHT OFF I know you are still awake! TWEET TWEET TWEET
3. Parakeets wish they were roosters. Crack of dawn. TWEETfuckTWEETyouTWEEThaTWEEThaTWEEThaTWEETha
4. They eat thier seeds and throw the seed shells OUT of the cage. Everyday.
5. They can also launch their shit out of the cage.
5a. Onto walls.
5b. And onto each other.
6. I mean what else is there? Oh, I know, the reason why people get pets. To come home and say, "Aw, my pet! Hi there, pet! I love you! You love me, too? This makes it all worth while! The shit, the mess, the noise - it matters not!"
Except every time I merely approach the cage they puff up their feathers, lift one leg uncomfortably and LITERALLY shit themselves.
I don't know, maybe they think I will fry them up for dinner. Who knows? I'd rather starve than eat them - that is how much I hate them now.
'
I have yet to kill these parakeets, Big Bird and Blue (aka Doug) but now I hate them and wish they would die.
Isn't that always the way? You want something to live...it dies. You want something to die, it lives.
Lesson learned.
Idea: Say you really hated someone and had to give that person's child a gift. Immediately we think of drums. I'll do you one better...get em a couple of parakeets.
Reasons:
1. They NEVER shut the FUCK up.
2. They tell you to throw a blanket over them, tell them it's night time and they should sleep. Mine are like FUCK RIGHT OFF I know you are still awake! TWEET TWEET TWEET
3. Parakeets wish they were roosters. Crack of dawn. TWEETfuckTWEETyouTWEEThaTWEEThaTWEEThaTWEETha
4. They eat thier seeds and throw the seed shells OUT of the cage. Everyday.
5. They can also launch their shit out of the cage.
5a. Onto walls.
5b. And onto each other.
6. I mean what else is there? Oh, I know, the reason why people get pets. To come home and say, "Aw, my pet! Hi there, pet! I love you! You love me, too? This makes it all worth while! The shit, the mess, the noise - it matters not!"
Except every time I merely approach the cage they puff up their feathers, lift one leg uncomfortably and LITERALLY shit themselves.
I don't know, maybe they think I will fry them up for dinner. Who knows? I'd rather starve than eat them - that is how much I hate them now.
'
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Cracker Slut
Being a NYC resident I have come across many types of people.
Some of these people...use the N word, a lot.
That N***** said what? Yeah, I know him, that's mah n*****!
I feel left out. I want a word to substitute for this word. I have found one and it is cracker.
I don't feel like I can say, "What up mah cracka?" Because it just doesn't have the same ring to it. It has to be more, "What is going on my cracker?" "How are the little crackers?" "Oh! Your youngest cracker starts school next year?"
I'm going to throw it out there and see if it catches on.
Yesterday my friend was telling me about her whorish excursions. She was all, "Don't judge me! I know you think I'm a slut!"
And I'm all, "I didn't say you were a slut. I know slut. I'm a retired slut."
You see, I have done more slutting in a lifetime than this girl could ever do, even if she worked at it she couldn't outslut me. But now I am retired.
My man is like my slut 401k. I am too old to work at it anymore so I just use him.
He's all I have to show for my lifetime's work.
Just goes to show, you really need to plan, early on, for retirement. If you wait too long, there won't be much left to live off of.
Edit: After reading a friend said... "I"m in the slutness protection program. Relocate and start over."
Some of these people...use the N word, a lot.
That N***** said what? Yeah, I know him, that's mah n*****!
I feel left out. I want a word to substitute for this word. I have found one and it is cracker.
I don't feel like I can say, "What up mah cracka?" Because it just doesn't have the same ring to it. It has to be more, "What is going on my cracker?" "How are the little crackers?" "Oh! Your youngest cracker starts school next year?"
I'm going to throw it out there and see if it catches on.
Yesterday my friend was telling me about her whorish excursions. She was all, "Don't judge me! I know you think I'm a slut!"
And I'm all, "I didn't say you were a slut. I know slut. I'm a retired slut."
You see, I have done more slutting in a lifetime than this girl could ever do, even if she worked at it she couldn't outslut me. But now I am retired.
My man is like my slut 401k. I am too old to work at it anymore so I just use him.
He's all I have to show for my lifetime's work.
Just goes to show, you really need to plan, early on, for retirement. If you wait too long, there won't be much left to live off of.
Edit: After reading a friend said... "I"m in the slutness protection program. Relocate and start over."
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