Here's how it went down...

Went to church on Sunday and live to tell the tale, though there's not much of it.

We sat towards the back and I couldn't hear very well what with babies crying and all. I kind of liked being there and envisioned how pretty it would be come Christmas - but - I kind of was bored. I like when the priest talks about stuff...but the readings? I could live without...

The girl enjoyed the songs. She sung along without knowing the words. Don't ask me how. Then she made me get communion even though I was set against it because she wanted to know what it looked like. I showed her, she wanted to touch it, I said no...that's weird right? Can't touch my blessed "Body of Christ" before I eat it...there must be a rule about that somewhere. The priest was already eyeballing me funny because I didn't eat it right away.

She liked Sunday school. They did crafts. There was an argument between her and her friend about trading necklaces or something. She will not be wearing any accessories next week. In trouble on the first day...
Her friend came out upset. She is having a tough time of it at home...but basically said something like, "God is fake!" Of course, I immediately shoot an accusing glance at my little heathen.

"DID YOU TELL HER THAT?"

"NO!" she says...

I believe her. She had fear in her eyes. I must have had my scary face on. She's been praying to God asking for all sorts of things anyway. Getting her to believe was easier than I thought. She's treating him like a Genie in a Bottle though so I'll have to get her to knock that one off... "Dear God, can you tell my mom to buy me a new toy today?" "GOD PLEASE let my mom get me a kitten!"

All in all, good experience. She's happy to go and I'm happy she's happy.

Now I've Gone and Done It

We all know I'm a heathen. I've rejected religion for some time now. The whole God thing just never appealed to me.

Well, at a recent birthday party all of the moms were talking about where they were registering their children for Sunday school. I put my head down and tried not to make eye contact but they called on me anyway.

I am quite visibly a guinea and by default, catholic, so they assumed my daughter would already be registered in a nice catholic school because in 2 years they make their communion. Fuck.

"Not registered yet." I say.

They all gasp in horror.

"Tomorrow is the last day! You have to get her in! Get her in with our girls! You want her to make her communion, don't you?! She won't be able to get married in a church!"

Fuck.

They proceed to give me all the details. I felt peer pressure. I gave in.

Fuck squared.

The next morning...on the way to registration...I gave a quick 5 minute pep talk to rectify the 6 years of damage I had done.

The girl: Mom, where are we going?

Me: You are going to learn about Jesus and God.

The girl: But God isn't real.

Me: He is now. You are going to start believing in him and learn about him.

The girl: But you don't.

Me: *Sigh* I'm going to believe in him, too, OKAY?!

On the way home, she made her very first reference to the almighty.

The girl: Oh MAN, I got the SAME toy I already have out of the machine at the supermarket. This is GOD'S fault!

Me: ... *sigh* ...woman...God is only responsible for the good stuff that happens. That one wasn't him.

Hey, at least she's recognizing his existence, baby steps. The Sunday school teacher eyeballed me GOOD and said we MUST attend mass every Sunday. Going this weekend - will report back if I don't burn alive upon entering.

Change

The cool breeze in NYC this week brings back memories of those first days back to school, and autumn...I love autumn.

The past few years our Septembers have been hot as hell. I wonder if that will change this year.

I'm kind of...I don't know. I'm needing some kind of motivation. I need change. I feel it coming, too, and it scares the shit out of me.

Change always works out in the end so I don't know why I fear it so much but I just do. I fear everything. I fear people from my past trying to be my friend on facebook - I'm like, "WHY? What do you want to KNOW?!" Then I skim my page looking for incriminating things...only to be reminded that I live a pretty boring life nowadays. It revolves completely around the girl and so my page is basically a shrine to her. Spy away old friends.

I've become cautious, too. Cautious of people trying to screw me. A lot of people try to do that. I must have the characteristics of an excellent stepping stone. People frequently use me to feel better about themselves, get what they want, pawn off anger about themselves or others...I am of good use for these things.

I wish I could tell you that after all this time I have learned to let it slide right off. Alas, friends, I absorb it like a fucking sponge. Then I sit and marinate in it.

I take all of those problems, the hate, the sideways anger, and even though I know it's not about me, I wonder about how I could have made it better for these people...end up blaming myself.

Autumn is my happy time. Usually I am breaking out my autumn decor by now, my pumpkin and apple scented candles...creating a calendar full of my favorite autumn activities. But I'm stuck here in sludge created especially for me by people in my life. People I kid myself into thinking give a shit about me, but in truth...they don't.

I form a lot of one way friendships. I care. I give. I help. I'm here. They're not.

I'm old now. I need to learn how the rest of the world does it. How they just let it roll off their backs...

How do you do it people? Someone help a bitch out.