Yo Shawty, it's my birfday...

So I turn the big 2-9 this year. Way harsh, cuz I totally expected to be somewhere else at 29.

I will celebrate the end of my 20's with Wing Pong 2.0.  God I'm fuckin old...

Also, the girl's birthday is coming. We have planned a winter luau. Leis and coconuts and...I don't know, more leis. I have a bunch of decorations and crafts and shits, they'll have fun.

My mom called. First time since showing up at my door in December drunk with gifts. I answered WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE NUMBER. Because, you know, I'm still all "That's it. I'm done. I have no parents. I quit." I would have ignored that call had I fucking looked at the number. But no. I answer and I'm like, "Oh, it's you." She was just asking me questions and I was answering and all monotone. She eventually hung up. I'm not answering again. I swear it. For real this time. Stop shaking your head, I really mean it. OH SHUT UP.

The girl vomitted in my bed the other night. Like, in her sleep, vomitted. Like, she's laying there and I'm laying there and we're sleeping cuz I let her sleep in my bed and she pukes. In her sleep. So anyway I get her to sit up so she won't drown in chunks and she pukes again, projectile kind. Yay. Then I'm like STAY HERE AND I'LL GET THE PASTA POT! So I run and get it and she's gone and puked again...so she's sitting in MY bed in a pool of puke with eyes closed. Possibly still asleep.

Where does one begin? How do you clean this? I put her entire self, pajamas and all, into the shower. Then I bagged up the (vom) puke blankets (vom) and washed the floors (vom) all while trying not to vomit myself. THERE WERE CHUNKS OKAY?

Damnit...I just don't like vomit. That's why I'm a fat ass. Bulimia is just too damn messy...

McFat with a side of ass

After I got out of the shower, I walked into my room, dropped my towel and proceeded to pull a thong on up...

My man snaps a pic of me doing so, from behind.

It was, by far, the most revolting fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Like it might as well have been the ass of a 65 year old fat woman.

IT WAS BAD

So bad that even my man, who LOVES my ass

I mean he would buy STOCK in my ass if it were available

Said...

 "That's a bad picture."

Everytime I'm tempted to eat wings or nachos or chocolate or french fries

I bring back that McHideous memory of my McFat Ass

Vomit builds in the back of my throat

 and i work out instead.

Taken from "How to Stay on a Diet" by Fatty McSaddlebags

When it rains, it pours...

...right into my livingroom, bedroom, kitchen and bathroom.

The roof is leaking - suddenly and everywhere. Landlord's looking into it. But in the meantime...this sucks.

My mom wanted to simply drop off gifts for the girl. I let her. She came after my sister's rehearsal dinner. She had wine. The sound of her voice when she's been drinking is like nails on a chalkboard. Why do I allow her in my life, at all, you ask? Well, I'm a glutton for punishment. I sent her away...not before collecting the gifts for the girl. It was American Girl stuff, that shit ain't cheap.

My sister got married on Saturday while I was getting my hair cut. Every family member I have was there. I am both relieved and feeling left out. That one I don't let back in because she really could give a shit about anyone but herself. My mom at least cares, deep down in the sober part of herself...0.01% of her, approximately.

Hmm, what else? Two other really major shit things that I just don't want to share yet. Maybe not ever.

The man is having a hard time of it lately. I am trying to be there for him, be supportive. He is my rock though, I like him strong. I hope he finds his way soon. I don't like to see him like this...I think he is hurting.

Christmas came and went, and there is no regaining financial stability with the girl's birthday just around the corner. She wants a winter luau. I am down with this. Ordered some cute stuff...

I spent my Christmas on the couch with friend drinking wine and eating until I had to switch to stretchy pants. I actually liked it that way. Peaceful. Relaxed. No pressure.

New Year's Eve I went to a friend's house for a bit. It started to snow/sleet, so I left early. Watched the ball drop from my couch. I spent a lot of my vacation on the couch. I left an ass-shaped indent.

I want to share my big issues with someone, preferably my bff. But she is so involved with her own stuff that I'm not sure she'd be of much comfort to me. Typically she just tries to one-up me with her own issues. That doesn't really help. I'm not about to have a pity party contest.

I'm kind of sad. Stupid cloud... I could really use a pick me up.