Cool

Friday I went to a birthday party for my kid's friend's friend. My kid isn't tight with the kid, but I am cool with the mom so I was totally down. Did I lose you already?

So, anyway, we get there and it's set up like a spa - floor pillows, plushy carpets and hanging drapes. The ultimate coolness - the mom had 3 women come to her house and each kid got a facial, massage, nails done and make up! WTF!? How did I not know this existed?! To top it off she had these little kits where each kid made their own lotion, lip gloss, perfume and body glitter... I am jacking this idea. Try and stop me.

Other news - the verdict is still out on my child's intelligence. She is completely unaware of people not liking her. She could spend an entire day with kids who think she's a child-sized version of Napoleon Dynamite, but if you ask her, she will tell you everyone likes her. Good or bad? Unknown.

Also, I was trying to convince her that going back to school is fun. New supplies, new friends, new clothes, new teacher - specifically, that this teacher does not know she's a talkaholic and pretty much doesn't pay attention, ever.

Me: "You can start off with a clean slate. Maybe not talk and actually pay attention this year. Then the teacher will like you."

Her: "Yeah...that's probably not going to happen."

Me: ...

FOR SHIT'S SAKE...she won't even give it a TRY.

Persuasion

You know how there are movies you can't pass up on TV? Like, the one that you've seen a billion times but if it's on, you have to watch it.  Even if there's only ten minutes left. Even if it's on TBS and all the good curse words are bleeped out...and the sex scenes are cut short and/or missing... Even if you own the DVD.

I have way too many movies that fall into that category. My man knows this and if he sees a movie he deems to be "gay" (gay = anything I would like) he will quickly change the channel hoping I won't notice. But I ALWAYS notice because all I need is a brief glimpse and I immediately know that the woman having her baby in the Walmart is Natalie Portman in "Where the Heart is" or that the chick beating the crap out of her kids on the front lawn is Ashley Judd in "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." What about when Richard Gere catches Julia Roberts flossing the strawberry seeds out of her teeth but thinks she's doing drugs? If you don't know that's from "Pretty Woman" then...well, I'd like to see you how explain yourself when you meet your maker, you shameful heathen.

He will also change the channel at the speed of light if he thinks the advertisement is for something I might buy (But baby, it chops ALL the things!), or if the TV show might remind me of how we aren't engaged/married yet (insert involuntary eye twitch here)....or if it's a beach scene - he worries I'll start planning a vacation. You know...maybe this is why he makes me watch Fox News. Other than wanting tickets to the Bold/Fresh tour (not) there isn't much on that channel that would appeal to me. Crafty bastard.

I created an excel sheet with all of my expenses and my income. I'm in one of those, "be a damn grown-up for shit's sake" type of moods. There's supposed to be a surplus after I pay my bills. There's not. I run out of money and one of two things happens:

1. Visa puts the moves on me and I am not strong enough to resist his relentless flirtation.
2. I put the moves on my man and then cry poverty.

Ok...it doesn't go down like that exactly. I don't have to put the moves on him...he gives me money all the time anyway. But if I say that then it's really not funny...and also it allows you to see his wonderful side - thus undoing years of blogging during which I've persuaded you that there is nothing in this universe that can compare to the level of annoyance my man can achieve on any given day.

School + Autumn = Mixed Feelings

You know how I get right? About autumn? You know I have major autumnal-compulsive-disorder?

I've been showing restraint through. My house is still in summer mode and I am still planning summer activities for the near future. But once school starts, IT'S ON.

The girl and I drove by the ol' church the other day. Remember how I was all "Yay! Let's be religious!" last year? I kinda gave up on it after like 5 months...okay 3 months...1 month? It's possible we attended more than two times. Anyway, she asked me if she could go back. For real. What's in it for me? I get to shop for communion dresses...

Also, girl scouts. She's a brownie now. Plus Kumon school...it's a reading and math program. Plus regular school work....second grade is bound to be more difficult than first. It's sucking all the fun out of autumn to think about these things. All the homework! Back to school clothes and supplies are purchased...let the count down begin.

Work is going really well. I get lots of compliments, and who doesn't appreciate a compliment? My bosses are cool for the most part. One came out yesterday, said, "Good job!" and then proceeded to extend his fist out to me. For what? A pound? For you non-natives, the urban dictionary defines a pound as the knocking of fists as a form of greeting, departure, or respect. I am lily white. That's two steps away from translucent. As for my boss? Short of a shaved head he might as well be nicknamed Powder. My genetic makeup so fiercely rejected that pound I couldn't muster up so much as a high five...fail.

Went to see the man last night. I had to run out though because I felt the rage building. It was like I saw a full moon and was about to become a werewolf but still had enough humanity left in me to get the hell outa there before I hurt someone. Looked at my little period calendar the second I got in the car and sure enough, she is on her way...

Vacation

Went on a short vacation with summer friend. I'll try to give you the short version.

• Summer friend likes to ignore the GPS
• The GPS is sensitive and if you ignore him too many times he will fuck you and send you to the ghetto
• Kids are fucking annoying and should be left home
• The Holiday Inn sucks
• They allow pets - ie barking dogs at midnight
• They don't have enough parking spots to accomodate their guests so you may have to park at the PC Richard next door
• The breakfast wraps made my kid sick
• If you lie and say you tripped on the curb while crossing from PC Richard to Holiday Inn, they really don't give a shit
• They make you sign out towels
• Yes, I'm serious.
• If one of your kids unknowingly puts the "do not disturb" sign on the door knob you will not receive maid service that day
• Okay, that one's on us - but it added to the misery.
• The pull-out couch had a blanket from 1957 that appeared to have never been washed
• The carpet...5th avenue after the Puerto Rican Day parade is cleaner.
• There is nothing at Pier 1 that I would not buy
• I like Pina Coladas, a lot.
• Cooper's Beach is supposed to be one of the most beautiful beaches in the US. It's nice...but, just nice. Not special. They lie.
• The highlight of Cooper's Beach was a 90 year old man with a bathing suit sagging low enough for his crack to show. I took a pic.

• The ugly - girls ranging in age from 5-8 ran, topless, over our towels multiple times until summer friend spoke to the asshole mother.
• Montauk is cool
• In hindsight, we should have stayed here. There is a lot to do.
• We shopped.
• We took the kids in paddle boats. I saw a swan, a muskrat and multiple geese/ducks.
• Kids should not stear paddle boats. Ever.
• We ate at cute places. I still like pina coladas, a lot.
• We went to Ditch Plains (a cool beach with sea cliffs) and I took lots of pics
• I bought my man a hat
• We had so much fun here we are planning to come back next year, exclusively, yay!
• Last day
• We surprised the kids with a trip to Adventureland on the way home.

The End.

Stupidity.

I have it.

Ever do something SO stupid that your brain cannot even register the event? It's like your thoughts are in between radio stations and there is only static...with a faint tune you can't quite make out.

Came home from the beach. Bought a few groceries on the way. Parked the car. Took the keys out of the ignition. Grabbed the bags. Opened the car door.

See that? That's the sewer right outside of my car door. And these...

















Are my keys...in the sewer. You like that? That's a sweet end to a day, right?

I called my man, of course. He didn't even pretend to be surprised.
















They are currently in the decontamination process.