FINISH HIM

I hate fighting. I like resolution. I'd prefer it if the resolution came promptly after the fight.

My man would be fine just hanging up pissed off at each other and then pretending like nothing happened the next day. I don't know why, but I can't function like this.

Also, I don't think I'm smart enough to win an argument.

I will start off strong but I'm draggin ass by the end of the race. I forget my point, I start blubbering mindlessly, I go on tangents that take me far away from whatever I was angry about to begin with.

Also, I'm poorly armed with a shit memory. So if someone asks me to give them an example of the behavior I am accusing them of...I'm all...."Uhhh....I DON'T KNOW I JUST KNOW YOU DO IT. FUCKER."

Fuck.

I don't have any fight or flight either. I just stand there, like a dumb ass...lost. (Ref: Ford Fuckus if necessary)

I *think* the fights I witnessed/participated in as a child just weren't sufficient.

Mom: HEY, Laura! Did you just slam the door on me?

(I look around, I'm the only one there.)

Me: I'm not Laura.

Mom: WHY DID YOU SLAM THE DOOR ON ME LAURA?!

Me: No one slammed the door. I'm also still not Laura.

Mom: YOU are a little bitch, YOU KNOW THAT LAURA?

Me: Ok, fine...I'll be Laura. But who are you going to be?

Mom: I can't even deal with you right now. I need to find my other daughter.

Other daughter, meaning me, of course...but I didn't have the heart to tell her. She just seemed so determined!

Harassment Commandments

All of these big companies have anti-harassment policies and you always wind up having to sit through this whole internet-presentation about what harassment is, what you should report, what you're not allowed to do...

You would think that if you managed to get yourself hired to begin with, you should have enough common sense to know that certain behaviors just aren't acceptable in the work place.

For your amusement, I will share the cliffs notes version of such a policy:

1. Thou shalt not circulate pornography throughout the office using company email. (NOW what am I going to do with the second half of my day?)

2. Thou shalt not exchange sexual favors for promotions. (Guess I'll be an assistant forever.)

3. Thou shalt not stalk other employees.

4. Thou shalt not make racist comments.

5. Thou shalt not post offensive cartoons in one's cubicle. (My walls are now bare - HAPPY?)

...then they give you situations.

Someone posts a picture of Suzy's head on a naked body and makes photocopies to distribute throughout the office. What should Suzy do?!

A. Correct the problem by photocopying an ACTUAL nude photo with her own body for distribution.
B. Quit her job and contemplate suicide from the stress of it all.
C. Retaliate against employees a la trench coat and assault rifle.
D. Notify the HR department.

Hmmm...decisions, decisions...

The Ford Focus

It's rare that I post twice in a row. So, you know this must be special.

I have anxiety, fine, we know this. I also just FREAK out when it comes to unfamiliar territory. As summer friend told me yesterday, the following is a depiction of the exact opposite of what she would have done -

I'm driving to pick up the girl in Long Island, the details of this are unimportant. I left after work and sat in two hours of stop and go traffic. You know...you go a little, maybe make it over 20 mph and then come to a complete stop.

I'm about 20 minutes away from the house when I start coming to a stop and I hear "CRUNCH." I perk up and look in front of me, did I hit the car in front of me? How could I do that? I was stopping! I look in my rear view mirror to witness some nasty old fucker throwing his car in reverse and driving away...leaving me there.

He bumped me and I, in turn, bumped the car in front of me. The SUV in front of me. He pulls over leaving no space for me so I pull over in front of him. Before I can even get out of my car or make words the man is at my window, he says, "It's just a scratch, I'm going." He leaves me there, too.

Fine, I drive away, shaken, but okay.

I get to summer friend's house. Before I get out of the car I call my man. I tell him someone bumped me on the road and drove away. I'm okay. It wasn't that hard, no damage. I hang up. (See what I left out there? But no harm done, right?)

Wrong. So, so wrong.

I get out of my car and I see what I've missed - why everyone ditched me on the road. I HAD DAMAGE. One of my headlights was pushed under my hood and the hood was popped up. I start to hyperventilate. I go in and confess my sins to summer friend.

She's all, "WHY DIDN'T YOU GET THE PLATES OF THE OTHER GUY? WHY DIDN'T YOU GET OUT OF YOUR CAR? WHY? WHY? WHY?"

GOD I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, OKAY? I'm slow. I'm a dumbass. I'm fucking disabled when it comes to stuff like this. I start sweating.

Of course, now I have to call my man and fill him in on the details I had previously left out. Hello dear, I actually bumped someone, too, with your car, that I am not even listed on the insurance to drive, and I have damage....and I'm sorry and I love you and please don't kill me, bye.

He didn't answer so I left a message. All the while my ugly mangled Ford Fuckus staring at me through the window...while my kid jumps up and down next to me asking me, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR CAR?" Get away from me child before I run you over, too...

Man calls back later, doesn't even care. Is happy I'm okay. Summer friend's husband fixes the headlight so it looks like nothing ever happened. Happily ever after. I really freaked out for nothing...sorta. Moral of the story? Don't tailgate. No wait...don't be a fucking dumbass. Yeah.

A swan

I let the girl sleep in my bed sometimes. She gets nose bleeds now and then. She got one last night. I heard her in my sleep and she said "Nose bleed!" so I JUMPED out of bed and ran FULL STEAM...right into my CLOSED bedroom door.
I typically leave it open but when it's hot I close it because we have the AC on. I'm not sure what she would have done had I knocked myself unconscious...I have a bump on my forehead.

I also have Mount Vesuvius and his distant cousin setting up shop on my face. Guess the ol' time of the month is on its way.

I'm a picker by nature, but I won't pick these. They aren't quite ripe yet. My man thinks my picking is unnatural...a disease even. But I know I'm not alone in this. There are others of my kind.

I had to pick up a new Crackberry for work. They are hooking it up now, you know, so I can be reached 24/7. Yay me.

Went to a bowling party for some friend of the girl. Boring as fuck. Those heinous old fart school moms ignored me as per usual. Hate. I managed to make a friend though. We talked about school, homework, how kids are funny and men are stupid. She told me why she won't let her husband help the kids with their school work.

Assignment: Write a sentence for the word, "swan."

Child writes: "A swan will shit in your garden."

Father says: ...nothing. And allows the child to bring this homework into school.

Men just fuck shit up badly enough that we won't ever ask them to do something again. Crafty little fuckers.

Maybe if I fuck up a BJ a few times I won't be asked for them anymore either...