RIP Tooth Fairy

So, yesterday the girl comes home with grumpy all over her face. I ignore...

I surprise her with costume shopping. She doesn't find the costume she wants so the grumpiness amplifies.

I tell her I have to get my hair cut because I look like Morticia Addams...while sitting and waiting for my turn, she asks me:

"Mom, are you the tooth fairy?"

...(enter mine field)

Me: Why do you ask?

Her: Jeffrey (asian kid in her class) told me there's no toothfairy. That it's the parents.

I carefully navigate my way through the mine field. I decide to take the path of truth because she outright asked if it was me.

Me: My parents did it for me and I thought it was fun so I did it for you, too.

KABOOM!

Her: (look of disbelief + horror + betrayal)

Me: I can still give you money! (guilt) Or presents! How about presents? (major guilt)

At this point in time I have completely lost any rational parenting skills I may have possessed.

Her: It's not fair. Now I have nothing to look forward to when I lose my teeth.

Me: ...presents? ANYTHING YOU WANT?! How can I make this better for you?

Her: (Grumpy squared + Sadness and possible tears)

Me: What if I punch this kid Jeffrey in the throat?


I texted all my friends about the situation. The feedback was diverse...

"Aww, CALL HIS MOTHER!"
Taken into consideration.

"Ok. So?"
Slap my man across the face for being a heartless bastard.

"She was going to find out sooner or later...kids will start to make fun of her if she still believes. Start prepping for the Santa talk."
I hate realists.

"Tell her the tooth fairy is only for white kids. That's why his mom has to do it for him. She'll learn racism eventually."
Considered...but, denied.

'

Me + Pets = DEATH

Once upon a time there was a girl who won a goldfish at a fair. Her mother bought her a bowl, gravel, food and all the lovely things a little 25 cent goldfish could want. Mere days after the fish's arrival, he jumped out of the bowl and plummeted to his death.

A year or so later the girl asked her mother for a hamster. The mother obliged believing the whole fish incident was a fluke. The hamster gets dropped by the girl. The hamster has issues. The stupid mother spends hundreds of dollars on vet visits hoping to save the hamster - fail. The mother has spent much money on hamster accessories and agrees to give the whole hamster deal a second chance. A new hamster is purchased and brought home - and the girl is told not to man-handle the hamster under any circumstances.

The following morning Hamster the Second is found hard as a rock...death had consumed him. The mother throws the hamster and cage away, vowing never to allow the girl to have a pet again.

Fast forward to Saturday. The man finds a domesticated finch on the sidewalk, unable to fly.

The man offers to give the finch to the girl, buy it a cage, food, toys, nest...etc. The stupid mother agrees to this. They buy the accessories, come home, mother brings the bird to the cage and the bird dies in the mother's hands.

The man suggests buying a living bird for the girl. The man and the mother are convinced to buy two parakeets. Meet Doug and Carrie...
That blue bird...that's Doug.That plastic bag...that's Carrie. Why? Because I didn't get a chance to take a picture of her before we found her DEAD at the bottom of the cage. FUCK. I wanted BADLY to return the whole cage, the bird that managed to make it through the night and all the toys...but the man and girl wanted me to try once more...meet Big Bird, purchased him yesterday...so far, he lives.


To be continued...