King of Queens

People say my man and I are like that show. I have the accent and he's got the sense of humor. We happen to like that show very much. Even when new people meet us they think that immediately and always tell us.

I filed my taxes today. Getting back 7,000+. Finally, getting knocked up at 21 and dropping out of college only to return 8 years later is paying off! That was my plan all along...

I miss summer. Why couldn't I be unemployed during the summer? Go to my summer house with my summer friend...do summer stuff. No, no...not me...I get to be unemployed during the bitch cold frigid fucking NYC winter. Can't go out. Can't do shit. I'm bored.

My kid is going ghetto on me...in the past couple of weeks alone she has said:

"I busted my knee!"
    Translation:  I hurt my knee.

"Do you have to go to the bathroom, Mom? Because I think I'm going to blow it up."
    Translation:  I have to poop. It's going to smell. Be advised.

Not sure where this is coming from. Kids are weird. They say weird shit that doesn't make sense and do weird things that make you tilt your head to the side and ponder their motives... I'm kind of naive, okay...very naive. I wonder if she takes advantage of that and plays me? Do you think so? I feel like I catch her most of the time but it's quite possible she pulls the ol' wool over my eyes. She's sneaky, manipulative and cute as hell. Awful combination. Her poor husband...he's fucked.

I know other parents look at us, the girl and me, and they know I'm fucked.

I do nothing now...

Okay, so, I got laid off.

I found out a few days before Christmas and was kind of in denile. I was hoping I'd find a new job before this one was over, which was January 29th. It's now February 17th, and I'm still home.

It's weird. It didn't really hit me, the magnitude of it, until just a day or so ago. Suddenly I realized I have no schedule, no real routine. I just wake up, take the girl to school and then go home to finish doing the nothing I started the day before. I do a hell of a lot of nothing. Nothing in the morning. Nothing in the afternoon. Finish the day off with a bit of nothing.

It's weird.

Yo Shawty, it's my birfday...

So I turn the big 2-9 this year. Way harsh, cuz I totally expected to be somewhere else at 29.

I will celebrate the end of my 20's with Wing Pong 2.0.  God I'm fuckin old...

Also, the girl's birthday is coming. We have planned a winter luau. Leis and coconuts and...I don't know, more leis. I have a bunch of decorations and crafts and shits, they'll have fun.

My mom called. First time since showing up at my door in December drunk with gifts. I answered WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE NUMBER. Because, you know, I'm still all "That's it. I'm done. I have no parents. I quit." I would have ignored that call had I fucking looked at the number. But no. I answer and I'm like, "Oh, it's you." She was just asking me questions and I was answering and all monotone. She eventually hung up. I'm not answering again. I swear it. For real this time. Stop shaking your head, I really mean it. OH SHUT UP.

The girl vomitted in my bed the other night. Like, in her sleep, vomitted. Like, she's laying there and I'm laying there and we're sleeping cuz I let her sleep in my bed and she pukes. In her sleep. So anyway I get her to sit up so she won't drown in chunks and she pukes again, projectile kind. Yay. Then I'm like STAY HERE AND I'LL GET THE PASTA POT! So I run and get it and she's gone and puked again...so she's sitting in MY bed in a pool of puke with eyes closed. Possibly still asleep.

Where does one begin? How do you clean this? I put her entire self, pajamas and all, into the shower. Then I bagged up the (vom) puke blankets (vom) and washed the floors (vom) all while trying not to vomit myself. THERE WERE CHUNKS OKAY?

Damnit...I just don't like vomit. That's why I'm a fat ass. Bulimia is just too damn messy...

McFat with a side of ass

After I got out of the shower, I walked into my room, dropped my towel and proceeded to pull a thong on up...

My man snaps a pic of me doing so, from behind.

It was, by far, the most revolting fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Like it might as well have been the ass of a 65 year old fat woman.

IT WAS BAD

So bad that even my man, who LOVES my ass

I mean he would buy STOCK in my ass if it were available

Said...

 "That's a bad picture."

Everytime I'm tempted to eat wings or nachos or chocolate or french fries

I bring back that McHideous memory of my McFat Ass

Vomit builds in the back of my throat

 and i work out instead.

Taken from "How to Stay on a Diet" by Fatty McSaddlebags

When it rains, it pours...

...right into my livingroom, bedroom, kitchen and bathroom.

The roof is leaking - suddenly and everywhere. Landlord's looking into it. But in the meantime...this sucks.

My mom wanted to simply drop off gifts for the girl. I let her. She came after my sister's rehearsal dinner. She had wine. The sound of her voice when she's been drinking is like nails on a chalkboard. Why do I allow her in my life, at all, you ask? Well, I'm a glutton for punishment. I sent her away...not before collecting the gifts for the girl. It was American Girl stuff, that shit ain't cheap.

My sister got married on Saturday while I was getting my hair cut. Every family member I have was there. I am both relieved and feeling left out. That one I don't let back in because she really could give a shit about anyone but herself. My mom at least cares, deep down in the sober part of herself...0.01% of her, approximately.

Hmm, what else? Two other really major shit things that I just don't want to share yet. Maybe not ever.

The man is having a hard time of it lately. I am trying to be there for him, be supportive. He is my rock though, I like him strong. I hope he finds his way soon. I don't like to see him like this...I think he is hurting.

Christmas came and went, and there is no regaining financial stability with the girl's birthday just around the corner. She wants a winter luau. I am down with this. Ordered some cute stuff...

I spent my Christmas on the couch with friend drinking wine and eating until I had to switch to stretchy pants. I actually liked it that way. Peaceful. Relaxed. No pressure.

New Year's Eve I went to a friend's house for a bit. It started to snow/sleet, so I left early. Watched the ball drop from my couch. I spent a lot of my vacation on the couch. I left an ass-shaped indent.

I want to share my big issues with someone, preferably my bff. But she is so involved with her own stuff that I'm not sure she'd be of much comfort to me. Typically she just tries to one-up me with her own issues. That doesn't really help. I'm not about to have a pity party contest.

I'm kind of sad. Stupid cloud... I could really use a pick me up.

Wing Pong

Wing (we ate our weight in wings) Pong (Beer Pong) was fun.

So what I kinda hit a lamp while jumping for joy that I got a ball in a cup?

So what I knocked down two other people's drinks?

So what I skipped through the bar merrily upon request?

I filled my cups with my drink of choice because I hate beer. It could have been worse.

Been rarely speaking to my crazy mom on the phone. I KNOW I know... I drew lines this time, boundaries. Told her I would only talk, not meet, this was it. I tell her everytime she asks about meeting up, then she hangs up on me, then she calls me like it never happened.

You know...I'm just not very bright.

She is texting me asking if she can come "sleep over." For real.

I thought she was just a drunk, not incredibly stupid. Is stupidity genetic?

I think some new spiders hatched out of my tree. Baby ones have been showing up on the ceiling. I kill them with the swifer. Multi-use that thing is. Have I mentioned I'm never getting a real tree again?

Watched a show last night where the chick was deathly afraid of the ocean. But because her new lover ran in, she faces her fears and runs into the ocean smiling. Smiling! If my love-machine was in a tub full of spiders and asked me to face my fears and jump in I would not:

1. Jump in. Hello, I'm scared. You get out.
2. Smile about it. Dumb show.
3. Immediately get over all fears just cuz I'm so madly in love.

Love does not conquer all. That's just something stupid people say. Bet my mom says it on the regular.

...not like Charlotte at all.

Why didn't anyone tell me? It seems like a common sense sort of thing...I should have known. Now it's too late, it's already in my house and it was hard work.

I cut down my own Christmas tree and it has spiders in it. I don't like spiders.

When I was a kid I decided I would go through my back yard and collect as many spiders as possible into a jar. I brought that jar into my bedroom. I gave those little fuckers air holes to breath.

...

Ever have that feeling that something is crawling on you? You look but there's nothing there. Phantom creepy crawlies. This is the morning I chose to ignore that feeling. When I finally opened my eyes that morning and witnessed the horror...they were just...everywhere. Webs and big spiders and little spiders - furry spiders - jumping spiders - spiders with teeth and spinal cords!

I don't like spiders.

Thanksgiving was okay. Quiet. Food was good and that's really all that counts.

I decided to take the girl's Christmas picture myself this year for Christmas cards. I like the way they came out. Target Portraits can suck it this year.

That's all I have to say...