The girl keeps saying everyone is trying to fast forward through Thanksgiving, straight to Christmas. She's right.
We went to the North Pole Express (kinda like the Polar Express, but without Tom Hanks) and it was really cute.
We got there way too early. When googlemaps estimated a 2.5 hour drive we expected 3+, but it really was 2 hours and 15 minutes.
We get out and look at the train. It's adorable. Then we look for a person, anyone. We find a girl. She was dirty. Like really dirty. Like actual dirt on her. Like dirt from 3 weeks ago. She scared us. She told us her grandpa knew about the town and could tell us where to go. We found grandpa. His shirt was stained and he had a dirty sweater on. He also had on two different shoes. My man is now staring at me with the, "WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU TAKE US THIS TIME?" look.
Anyway, we went exploring.
We stopped at a gas station. The people were scary and the name of the truck stop was "Porky's Pork and Stuff." One of the natives approached the man while he pumped gas. I locked the doors. We all lived though.
We found a farm that had actual sheep on it. (This is cool for us) then we saw a sign that said the town was established in like, 1697 or something and we thought to ourselves much hasn't happened since.
Anyway, we board the train. It's cute. It has living room chairs that swivel. The girl likes this. We find out they serve alcohol on the train. We are feeling better. There is our own personal elf who narrates the ride for us - and she sings. AND she plays the Ukelele. Ukelele is probably better when you are drunk...so now I know why they provide the booze.
Well, Santa and Mrs. Claus came and all the kids were happy. Santa gave my girl a small red bell. They had hot cocoa and sugar cookies. All in all, good experience. Would I do it again? No. It's one of those, only need to see it once, type of deals. So, I'm good.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
'
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Guilty Halloweenie
For the first time in my mothering career I sent STORE BOUGHT brownies into class for the girl's Halloween party. I'm ashamed of myself. Guilty even...
Last night I received a $200.00 gift card that I shouldn't have received. It was from a company that tried to dick me over and not reimburse me money I deserved. But, I was already reimbursed - and now, in addition, I have this gift card. More guilt...
It's Italian Catholic Guilt. ICG...I have it. Most of us guineas born to recent OTB (off the boat) Italians have this guilt. While you are being raised they put the fear of "burning eternally in hell" into you. You know what? I'm not much of a believer in burning eternally in hell, or living happily ever after in heaven. But, I've been so conditioned to do the right thing that it's impossible for me not to feel guilt.
I'm like the mouse that gets electrocuted every time it goes for the cheese. I know damn well that cheese doesn't cause electrocution, but every time I see cheese I fear it anyway.
Completely illogical.
Because of the ICG it's also nearly impossible for me to lie. My face gets red, I laugh and I can't even look you in the eye when I try. Not to mention my lies are...let's say...less than intelligently thought out.
Lie: "I didn't eat the last cookie!"
Failure: (cookie crumbs are visible on mouth, chocolate left on teeth and I had previously announced that I was eating a delicious cookie.)
'
Last night I received a $200.00 gift card that I shouldn't have received. It was from a company that tried to dick me over and not reimburse me money I deserved. But, I was already reimbursed - and now, in addition, I have this gift card. More guilt...
It's Italian Catholic Guilt. ICG...I have it. Most of us guineas born to recent OTB (off the boat) Italians have this guilt. While you are being raised they put the fear of "burning eternally in hell" into you. You know what? I'm not much of a believer in burning eternally in hell, or living happily ever after in heaven. But, I've been so conditioned to do the right thing that it's impossible for me not to feel guilt.
I'm like the mouse that gets electrocuted every time it goes for the cheese. I know damn well that cheese doesn't cause electrocution, but every time I see cheese I fear it anyway.
Completely illogical.
Because of the ICG it's also nearly impossible for me to lie. My face gets red, I laugh and I can't even look you in the eye when I try. Not to mention my lies are...let's say...less than intelligently thought out.
Lie: "I didn't eat the last cookie!"
Failure: (cookie crumbs are visible on mouth, chocolate left on teeth and I had previously announced that I was eating a delicious cookie.)
'
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Fat again
I'm fat again because I gained some fat back.
I won't claim that I have "no idea how this fat happened." I won't sue Entenmann's either...as much as I feel those bastards deserve it. Why is that coffee cake so good? And have you had the coffee cake donut!? Dunkin Donuts had a hand in it as well. That damn coffee coolata has crack in it FOR SURE.
Fuck it all...
I'm a fat girl on the inside. If I had my way I'd be that obese woman who has to be lifted off the bed with a crane. I really would. So, yes, I gained some weight. But, truthfully, it could be a hell of a lot worse.
I am trying to stick with the diet until Thanksgiving.
If my posts are grumpy and numerous until then, you will know I have stuck with it.
If I am M.I.A. or in a really good mood, then that means I have failed and am eating like the chubby bitch that my heart tells me I am.
Question: How come sometimes I don't care if I'm fat?
Sometimes, I'm like WHO CARES I'd rather eat Doritos dipped in sour cream (seriously, try it...the nacho cheese ones) than be thin.
Other times, I'm like, YOU ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING YOU COW HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!? Then I get all miserable and don't even want to bang my boyfriend because I get all self conscious about my fatness.
Right now, I am the later.
I won't claim that I have "no idea how this fat happened." I won't sue Entenmann's either...as much as I feel those bastards deserve it. Why is that coffee cake so good? And have you had the coffee cake donut!? Dunkin Donuts had a hand in it as well. That damn coffee coolata has crack in it FOR SURE.
Fuck it all...
I'm a fat girl on the inside. If I had my way I'd be that obese woman who has to be lifted off the bed with a crane. I really would. So, yes, I gained some weight. But, truthfully, it could be a hell of a lot worse.
I am trying to stick with the diet until Thanksgiving.
If my posts are grumpy and numerous until then, you will know I have stuck with it.
If I am M.I.A. or in a really good mood, then that means I have failed and am eating like the chubby bitch that my heart tells me I am.
Question: How come sometimes I don't care if I'm fat?
Sometimes, I'm like WHO CARES I'd rather eat Doritos dipped in sour cream (seriously, try it...the nacho cheese ones) than be thin.
Other times, I'm like, YOU ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING YOU COW HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!? Then I get all miserable and don't even want to bang my boyfriend because I get all self conscious about my fatness.
Right now, I am the later.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Cancel
I won't lie. Sometimes I cancel plans. Sometimes I don't feel like it.
But, I have the courtesy to cancel and say, "Sorry, I'm just not feeling up to it today." "Not feeling well." "Let's reschedule..."
I do not say, "Hey, I found something else I'd rather do so I'm cancelling." "And after this text I will shut my phone off because I don't want to hear your rebuttal."
You know what? Be more creative.
Tell me you sliced your hand open and have to go to the ER.
Tell me you contracted ebola.
Tell me your house was obliterated in a tornado.
Tell me your cat died.
LIE TO ME. I deserve a lie at least.
Also, I am dieting again. That may or may not have to do with my grumpiness.
Man and I argued.
Then I shopped.
Man and I made up.
Shoppers remorse.
What else is new?
But, I have the courtesy to cancel and say, "Sorry, I'm just not feeling up to it today." "Not feeling well." "Let's reschedule..."
I do not say, "Hey, I found something else I'd rather do so I'm cancelling." "And after this text I will shut my phone off because I don't want to hear your rebuttal."
You know what? Be more creative.
Tell me you sliced your hand open and have to go to the ER.
Tell me you contracted ebola.
Tell me your house was obliterated in a tornado.
Tell me your cat died.
LIE TO ME. I deserve a lie at least.
Also, I am dieting again. That may or may not have to do with my grumpiness.
Man and I argued.
Then I shopped.
Man and I made up.
Shoppers remorse.
What else is new?
Friday, October 8, 2010
I'm THAT Mom.
Why does homework time have to be such a bitch?
Everyday, never fails, the girl has homework. Why is she all surprised and whiney about having to do it?
She doesn't want to show up without it. She's too scared to do such a thing. So it's going to get done one way or another. But why does it have to get done like this?
Her: Can I take a shower?
Me: Homework first.
Her: Fiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeee.
Me: cooking dinner, cleaning, whatever
5 minutes later...
Her: "I throw mah hands up in the air sometimes - singin AAAAYYY ooooo baby LET'sss go. I wanna celebrate and live my life...."
Me: That's not homework. That's singing. Stop singing.
7 minutes later...
Her: *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap*
Me: Stop that! Stop flicking my vase with the pencil! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
4 minutes later...
Her: *silence*
Me: WHERE ARE YOU?!
Her: I had to go to the bathroom!
Me: You went when we got home!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO WATCH YOU DO HOMEWORK UNTIL 10:00 AT NIGHT!!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME GIRL!?
...
Then this morning, I find a worksheet not done in her folder. So while she shoves cheerios into her mouth she has to circle nouns and underline verbs.
Then I drop her off and say, "Do you have a spelling test today?? We didn't study!!!"
She says she knows the words.
I am now hanging out of the car window screaming:
"SPELL FOURTH!!! SPELL BREAKFAST!!! SPELL SYRUP!!!!!!!!"
I'm THAT mom.
Everyday, never fails, the girl has homework. Why is she all surprised and whiney about having to do it?
She doesn't want to show up without it. She's too scared to do such a thing. So it's going to get done one way or another. But why does it have to get done like this?
Her: Can I take a shower?
Me: Homework first.
Her: Fiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeee.
Me: cooking dinner, cleaning, whatever
5 minutes later...
Her: "I throw mah hands up in the air sometimes - singin AAAAYYY ooooo baby LET'sss go. I wanna celebrate and live my life...."
Me: That's not homework. That's singing. Stop singing.
7 minutes later...
Her: *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap*
Me: Stop that! Stop flicking my vase with the pencil! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
4 minutes later...
Her: *silence*
Me: WHERE ARE YOU?!
Her: I had to go to the bathroom!
Me: You went when we got home!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO WATCH YOU DO HOMEWORK UNTIL 10:00 AT NIGHT!!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME GIRL!?
...
Then this morning, I find a worksheet not done in her folder. So while she shoves cheerios into her mouth she has to circle nouns and underline verbs.
Then I drop her off and say, "Do you have a spelling test today?? We didn't study!!!"
She says she knows the words.
I am now hanging out of the car window screaming:
"SPELL FOURTH!!! SPELL BREAKFAST!!! SPELL SYRUP!!!!!!!!"
I'm THAT mom.
Friday, September 24, 2010
RIP Tooth Fairy
So, yesterday the girl comes home with grumpy all over her face. I ignore...
I surprise her with costume shopping. She doesn't find the costume she wants so the grumpiness amplifies.
I tell her I have to get my hair cut because I look like Morticia Addams...while sitting and waiting for my turn, she asks me:
"Mom, are you the tooth fairy?"
...(enter mine field)
Me: Why do you ask?
Her: Jeffrey (asian kid in her class) told me there's no toothfairy. That it's the parents.
I carefully navigate my way through the mine field. I decide to take the path of truth because she outright asked if it was me.
Me: My parents did it for me and I thought it was fun so I did it for you, too.
KABOOM!
Her: (look of disbelief + horror + betrayal)
Me: I can still give you money! (guilt) Or presents! How about presents? (major guilt)
At this point in time I have completely lost any rational parenting skills I may have possessed.
Her: It's not fair. Now I have nothing to look forward to when I lose my teeth.
Me: ...presents? ANYTHING YOU WANT?! How can I make this better for you?
Her: (Grumpy squared + Sadness and possible tears)
Me: What if I punch this kid Jeffrey in the throat?
I texted all my friends about the situation. The feedback was diverse...
"Aww, CALL HIS MOTHER!"
Taken into consideration.
"Ok. So?"
Slap my man across the face for being a heartless bastard.
"She was going to find out sooner or later...kids will start to make fun of her if she still believes. Start prepping for the Santa talk."
I hate realists.
"Tell her the tooth fairy is only for white kids. That's why his mom has to do it for him. She'll learn racism eventually."
Considered...but, denied.
'
I surprise her with costume shopping. She doesn't find the costume she wants so the grumpiness amplifies.
I tell her I have to get my hair cut because I look like Morticia Addams...while sitting and waiting for my turn, she asks me:
"Mom, are you the tooth fairy?"
...(enter mine field)
Me: Why do you ask?
Her: Jeffrey (asian kid in her class) told me there's no toothfairy. That it's the parents.
I carefully navigate my way through the mine field. I decide to take the path of truth because she outright asked if it was me.
Me: My parents did it for me and I thought it was fun so I did it for you, too.
KABOOM!
Her: (look of disbelief + horror + betrayal)
Me: I can still give you money! (guilt) Or presents! How about presents? (major guilt)
At this point in time I have completely lost any rational parenting skills I may have possessed.
Her: It's not fair. Now I have nothing to look forward to when I lose my teeth.
Me: ...presents? ANYTHING YOU WANT?! How can I make this better for you?
Her: (Grumpy squared + Sadness and possible tears)
Me: What if I punch this kid Jeffrey in the throat?
I texted all my friends about the situation. The feedback was diverse...
"Aww, CALL HIS MOTHER!"
Taken into consideration.
"Ok. So?"
Slap my man across the face for being a heartless bastard.
"She was going to find out sooner or later...kids will start to make fun of her if she still believes. Start prepping for the Santa talk."
I hate realists.
"Tell her the tooth fairy is only for white kids. That's why his mom has to do it for him. She'll learn racism eventually."
Considered...but, denied.
'
Monday, September 6, 2010
Me + Pets = DEATH
Once upon a time there was a girl who won a goldfish at a fair. Her mother bought her a bowl, gravel, food and all the lovely things a little 25 cent goldfish could want. Mere days after the fish's arrival, he jumped out of the bowl and plummeted to his death.
A year or so later the girl asked her mother for a hamster. The mother obliged believing the whole fish incident was a fluke. The hamster gets dropped by the girl. The hamster has issues. The stupid mother spends hundreds of dollars on vet visits hoping to save the hamster - fail. The mother has spent much money on hamster accessories and agrees to give the whole hamster deal a second chance. A new hamster is purchased and brought home - and the girl is told not to man-handle the hamster under any circumstances.
The following morning Hamster the Second is found hard as a rock...death had consumed him. The mother throws the hamster and cage away, vowing never to allow the girl to have a pet again.
Fast forward to Saturday. The man finds a domesticated finch on the sidewalk, unable to fly.
The man offers to give the finch to the girl, buy it a cage, food, toys, nest...etc. The stupid mother agrees to this. They buy the accessories, come home, mother brings the bird to the cage and the bird dies in the mother's hands.
The man suggests buying a living bird for the girl. The man and the mother are convinced to buy two parakeets. Meet Doug and Carrie...
That blue bird...that's Doug.That plastic bag...that's Carrie. Why? Because I didn't get a chance to take a picture of her before we found her DEAD at the bottom of the cage. FUCK. I wanted BADLY to return the whole cage, the bird that managed to make it through the night and all the toys...but the man and girl wanted me to try once more...meet Big Bird, purchased him yesterday...so far, he lives.
To be continued...
A year or so later the girl asked her mother for a hamster. The mother obliged believing the whole fish incident was a fluke. The hamster gets dropped by the girl. The hamster has issues. The stupid mother spends hundreds of dollars on vet visits hoping to save the hamster - fail. The mother has spent much money on hamster accessories and agrees to give the whole hamster deal a second chance. A new hamster is purchased and brought home - and the girl is told not to man-handle the hamster under any circumstances.
The following morning Hamster the Second is found hard as a rock...death had consumed him. The mother throws the hamster and cage away, vowing never to allow the girl to have a pet again.
Fast forward to Saturday. The man finds a domesticated finch on the sidewalk, unable to fly.
The man offers to give the finch to the girl, buy it a cage, food, toys, nest...etc. The stupid mother agrees to this. They buy the accessories, come home, mother brings the bird to the cage and the bird dies in the mother's hands.
The man suggests buying a living bird for the girl. The man and the mother are convinced to buy two parakeets. Meet Doug and Carrie...
That blue bird...that's Doug.That plastic bag...that's Carrie. Why? Because I didn't get a chance to take a picture of her before we found her DEAD at the bottom of the cage. FUCK. I wanted BADLY to return the whole cage, the bird that managed to make it through the night and all the toys...but the man and girl wanted me to try once more...meet Big Bird, purchased him yesterday...so far, he lives.
To be continued...
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