Persuasion

You know how there are movies you can't pass up on TV? Like, the one that you've seen a billion times but if it's on, you have to watch it.  Even if there's only ten minutes left. Even if it's on TBS and all the good curse words are bleeped out...and the sex scenes are cut short and/or missing... Even if you own the DVD.

I have way too many movies that fall into that category. My man knows this and if he sees a movie he deems to be "gay" (gay = anything I would like) he will quickly change the channel hoping I won't notice. But I ALWAYS notice because all I need is a brief glimpse and I immediately know that the woman having her baby in the Walmart is Natalie Portman in "Where the Heart is" or that the chick beating the crap out of her kids on the front lawn is Ashley Judd in "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." What about when Richard Gere catches Julia Roberts flossing the strawberry seeds out of her teeth but thinks she's doing drugs? If you don't know that's from "Pretty Woman" then...well, I'd like to see you how explain yourself when you meet your maker, you shameful heathen.

He will also change the channel at the speed of light if he thinks the advertisement is for something I might buy (But baby, it chops ALL the things!), or if the TV show might remind me of how we aren't engaged/married yet (insert involuntary eye twitch here)....or if it's a beach scene - he worries I'll start planning a vacation. You know...maybe this is why he makes me watch Fox News. Other than wanting tickets to the Bold/Fresh tour (not) there isn't much on that channel that would appeal to me. Crafty bastard.

I created an excel sheet with all of my expenses and my income. I'm in one of those, "be a damn grown-up for shit's sake" type of moods. There's supposed to be a surplus after I pay my bills. There's not. I run out of money and one of two things happens:

1. Visa puts the moves on me and I am not strong enough to resist his relentless flirtation.
2. I put the moves on my man and then cry poverty.

Ok...it doesn't go down like that exactly. I don't have to put the moves on him...he gives me money all the time anyway. But if I say that then it's really not funny...and also it allows you to see his wonderful side - thus undoing years of blogging during which I've persuaded you that there is nothing in this universe that can compare to the level of annoyance my man can achieve on any given day.