Couple things...

I'm so cranky today. My back hurts and I don't feel well. I probably have mono or the avian flu (or a cold).

I keep finding celebrities with my droopy eye issue...Katie Holmes and Eliza Dushku are prime examples. They are PRETTY with these eyes though. How do they make this happen? I can't figure it out. I need a professional to do my make up - show me where I'm going wrong here. The professional will probably tell me that I need a plastic surgeon, not a make-up artist...

My best friend wished me to get pregnant 7 or so years ago. She wished it every day. I got pregnant. She is wishing it again and my instinct is to maim her in some way...but the jail time isn't quite worth it.

My boobs are all weird today, too. I want a job working for Victoria's Secret...because I have a secret. My boobs lost their consistency when a vampire-like demon spawn (read: baby) sucked the ever-loving life out of them. They've lost density and therefor are lifeless, shapeless boobs that have to be poured into my bra. The bra, you see, acts as somewhat of a jello mold. Once the boob is set in said mold, I can walk out into public without A. Having them bounce off my knees when I walk or B. Having them knock me unconscious if I walk down the stairs just a tad too quickly. Victoria's Secret is close to what I (and I am sure countless other Mom's who've subjected themselves to granny Playtex bras) need, but they aren't quite there. Hire me, you perky boobed bitches (or know-nothing men).

Men created OB tampons, too. You know, the kind without the applicator? If you are accustomed to shoving shit up there, this shouldn't be too hard...but for me it is a bit more invasive than I'd like for an operation that takes place several times a day for a week. My mother, the dear, handed me a fucking OB tampon when we were in Florida on vacation once. I was 12 and had probably had my "." for a total of 6 times in my life. I wanted to swim on my vacation and she handed me this...with no instruction whatsoever other than, "Just shove it up there." So, I trot into the bathroom happily because I have a remedy for "being benched" while everyone else got to go in the pool. I shove it up there, as directed, and though I was told I "wouldn't even know it was there" I knew it. Walked out...stepped into the water...and nearly half the pool absorbed right into the damn thing. So, I clearly didn't shove it up there far enough... I ran out. Didn't get to swim. To this day I will not buy OB even though I am now a seasoned tampon user.