Just givin a HOLLA to my friend's cupcake shop. Only because I actually LIKE the cupcakes.
I ate one today, Tracy will be so disappointed. Oh the shame.
But it was worth it.
She delivers to the Tri-State area so check it out...
http://www.polkadotcupcakeshop.com/
CCCUUUPPPPCCCAAAAAKKKKEEESSSS!
I will never be thin. Ever. Fuck.
Love,
FattyMcButterPants
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tracy Anderabs Day 5
So, (not engaged) Friday was my anniversary (not engaged) and no, I am not engaged. So, can people stop asking me? THANKS. It's like getting fucking pecked to death by a chicken.
Saturday I planted an apple tree in my man's yard. That brought me happiness.
Sunday, mother's day. Nothing big. Breakfast out, park, walk by the beach, picnic, all that. Nice day.
Monday, I came home to find these pictures that I blew up of my girl like 2 years ago, framed and on my wall! Surprise! My man surprised me with a surprise I actually like! Yay!
Threw in the Tracy DVD...I definitely see progress in the amount I can do without taking a break. For instance, this blog is being typed a day AFTER the workout - meaning I did not stop long enough to log on and complain about it. This is good!
I can't tell if I am losing weight, or looking better, or whatever...but I still like the workout.
The thing I don't like:
In the beginning of the DVD it's all Tracy doing moves, or smiling, or showing off her AnderAbs. Everything from her white teeth to her smooth skin is starting to piss me off. There is no skipping this intro...so now I walk away until I hear the work out music because I just can't stand to look at her perfection.
I don't really like her face much...I think she has a big nose...I have a normal nose...so I beat her there.
Final score:
Tracy - 3,438,960,789,623,578
Me - 1
Saturday I planted an apple tree in my man's yard. That brought me happiness.
Sunday, mother's day. Nothing big. Breakfast out, park, walk by the beach, picnic, all that. Nice day.
Monday, I came home to find these pictures that I blew up of my girl like 2 years ago, framed and on my wall! Surprise! My man surprised me with a surprise I actually like! Yay!
Threw in the Tracy DVD...I definitely see progress in the amount I can do without taking a break. For instance, this blog is being typed a day AFTER the workout - meaning I did not stop long enough to log on and complain about it. This is good!
I can't tell if I am losing weight, or looking better, or whatever...but I still like the workout.
The thing I don't like:
In the beginning of the DVD it's all Tracy doing moves, or smiling, or showing off her AnderAbs. Everything from her white teeth to her smooth skin is starting to piss me off. There is no skipping this intro...so now I walk away until I hear the work out music because I just can't stand to look at her perfection.
I don't really like her face much...I think she has a big nose...I have a normal nose...so I beat her there.
Final score:
Tracy - 3,438,960,789,623,578
Me - 1
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tracy Anderbitch Day 4
Ok, so I didn't work out last night. I was borderline dead. I feel badly about skipping but, dude, when your whole body is broken it's really difficult to visualize working out and making it happen. I didn't overeat for the day - I just didn't work out with Tracy.
Put the workout DVD in just now. Arms, abs...check. Leg lifts? Che... ok you caught me, I'm on break. PS it's 40 leg lifts times 4 different ways of lifting equals 160 leg lifts on just one leg! She doesn't even alternate! She's all, bust out a quick 160 leg lifts on the right annnnddd switch to the left.
I think she is a robot. Or maybe her skeleton is titanium like Wolverine. I can't be sure but something is just not right about her.
I swear she is looking at me different today. I heard her whisper lazy fat slug or maybe that was just in my head.
I was 138 this morning. That's -2 lbs for those mathematically challenged. Going back...
Oh, the girl needs to be tucked in...I guess I'll have to take another break. Darn.
Workout mostly done. Can I stand to do cardio? I'd rather watch Vampire Diaries. I heard it was super awesome this week.
3 minutes and 50 seconds into cardio...break. I'm not making much progress with this am I?
I'm waiting for the day when I watch more than I do. Night folks.
Put the workout DVD in just now. Arms, abs...check. Leg lifts? Che... ok you caught me, I'm on break. PS it's 40 leg lifts times 4 different ways of lifting equals 160 leg lifts on just one leg! She doesn't even alternate! She's all, bust out a quick 160 leg lifts on the right annnnddd switch to the left.
I think she is a robot. Or maybe her skeleton is titanium like Wolverine. I can't be sure but something is just not right about her.
I swear she is looking at me different today. I heard her whisper lazy fat slug or maybe that was just in my head.
I was 138 this morning. That's -2 lbs for those mathematically challenged. Going back...
Oh, the girl needs to be tucked in...I guess I'll have to take another break. Darn.
Workout mostly done. Can I stand to do cardio? I'd rather watch Vampire Diaries. I heard it was super awesome this week.
3 minutes and 50 seconds into cardio...break. I'm not making much progress with this am I?
I'm waiting for the day when I watch more than I do. Night folks.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
TA...that skinny bitch...day 3
Home, sore as a mofo. Like every time I sneeze, laugh, cough...move...I hurt. Everything hurts.
Do I keep going? Do I workout tonight? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I pushed myself so hard I thought I might vomit. I'm not saying that for emphasis...I literally felt the need to throw up my dinner. That was when I gave up for the night.
Do I keep going? Do I workout tonight? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I pushed myself so hard I thought I might vomit. I'm not saying that for emphasis...I literally felt the need to throw up my dinner. That was when I gave up for the night.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tracy Day 2
I don't feel sore (yet?).
I have been fearing coming home all day because I knew Tracy was here waiting for me. But something happened during the car ride home...I felt like I wanted to come home and do the work out. As a matter of fact I couldn't wait. Weird.
Ate dinner, watched Gossip Girl...here goes...
140.6 lbs this morning. (I'm using this as a starting weight)
7:45 pm - starting with the work out first tonight...then cardio.
8:04 pm - made it through weights and abs without a break...then start the dreaded leg lifts. I wonder how many she does? 100 per leg? Tomorrow I'll count.
8:23 pm...Finished that...I think I did better today than yesterday, knew what to expect.
38 minutes for a 30 minute workout...ok...
Cardio is next...don't want to...meh...
barely half a cardio...must lay down...tomorrow's another day.
-FattyMcButterPants
I have been fearing coming home all day because I knew Tracy was here waiting for me. But something happened during the car ride home...I felt like I wanted to come home and do the work out. As a matter of fact I couldn't wait. Weird.
Ate dinner, watched Gossip Girl...here goes...
140.6 lbs this morning. (I'm using this as a starting weight)
7:45 pm - starting with the work out first tonight...then cardio.
8:04 pm - made it through weights and abs without a break...then start the dreaded leg lifts. I wonder how many she does? 100 per leg? Tomorrow I'll count.
8:23 pm...Finished that...I think I did better today than yesterday, knew what to expect.
38 minutes for a 30 minute workout...ok...
Cardio is next...don't want to...meh...
barely half a cardio...must lay down...tomorrow's another day.
-FattyMcButterPants
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tracy Anderson Day 1
While away on a beautiful vacation in Florida...I gained some weight...more weight? I gained fat. Additional fat that is in addition to the fat I had already accumulated.
Moving on...
I read all about Tracy Anderson (google her if you dare) and how she was fitness trainer to the stars! I was all, "Hey! I want to look like those movie stars!"
You know I am gullible.
My man says he will order me a test DVD. I say okay. I order her full line of DVDs in addition to this tester because I already know I will love her. I also order the sneakers she is wearing. I have issues...keep your opinion to yourself.
I tried out the "tester" DVD. It was dance cardio. I had to learn the steps. I learned 3 of the routines, I did one with the music up to speed. I nearly passed out. That was 3 days ago.
Today I am trying out the "Metamorphosis" DVD.
I wanted to chronicle this live, on the off chance I stick with this shit.
So, Day 1 of the 90 day program to shape my "accessory muscles" and make me "tiny." Tiny has never been used to describe me, even as an infant.
She gives a nice speech at the beginning. She talks about how I have to do an hour a day, 6 days a week. Ok...I'll bite...what else?
A food plan. Skip. I can't work out AND diet. That's a recipe for self-destruction.
Measurements...daily...ugh...fine.
Weight: 140 (142 at night...I'll weigh in tomorrow morning)
Waist at belly button: 35 inches...I'm not sucking it in.
Hips: 37 inches (there is only a 2 inch difference between waist and hips? Double fuck)
Arm: 11 inches
(this feels incredibly degrading)
Thigh: 21 inches
Calf: 14
Boobs: 36
Ribs: 31
I think I'll only do that once a week. That was annoying.
Starting cardio...
5 minutes, I need a break because I feel like I'm running a marathon.
15.01 minutes, She says I am more than halfway there and I assume this is some kind of mind trick. I'm sweaty and breathing hard. I find her perky non-bouncing boobs threatening.
Okay...going back...
Here again, I bet that was only 60 seconds, and I stood still for 30...
Energizing bunny bitch...
Faked my way to the end of cardio...on to the second DVD
Why am I 1.5 hours into a 1 hour workout?
She hurts me.
I'm out of shape and gross.
Does this ever end?
I made it...I hate her...see you tomorrow.
Moving on...
I read all about Tracy Anderson (google her if you dare) and how she was fitness trainer to the stars! I was all, "Hey! I want to look like those movie stars!"
You know I am gullible.
My man says he will order me a test DVD. I say okay. I order her full line of DVDs in addition to this tester because I already know I will love her. I also order the sneakers she is wearing. I have issues...keep your opinion to yourself.
I tried out the "tester" DVD. It was dance cardio. I had to learn the steps. I learned 3 of the routines, I did one with the music up to speed. I nearly passed out. That was 3 days ago.
Today I am trying out the "Metamorphosis" DVD.
I wanted to chronicle this live, on the off chance I stick with this shit.
So, Day 1 of the 90 day program to shape my "accessory muscles" and make me "tiny." Tiny has never been used to describe me, even as an infant.
She gives a nice speech at the beginning. She talks about how I have to do an hour a day, 6 days a week. Ok...I'll bite...what else?
A food plan. Skip. I can't work out AND diet. That's a recipe for self-destruction.
Measurements...daily...ugh...fine.
Weight: 140 (142 at night...I'll weigh in tomorrow morning)
Waist at belly button: 35 inches...I'm not sucking it in.
Hips: 37 inches (there is only a 2 inch difference between waist and hips? Double fuck)
Arm: 11 inches
(this feels incredibly degrading)
Thigh: 21 inches
Calf: 14
Boobs: 36
Ribs: 31
I think I'll only do that once a week. That was annoying.
Starting cardio...
5 minutes, I need a break because I feel like I'm running a marathon.
15.01 minutes, She says I am more than halfway there and I assume this is some kind of mind trick. I'm sweaty and breathing hard. I find her perky non-bouncing boobs threatening.
Okay...going back...
Here again, I bet that was only 60 seconds, and I stood still for 30...
Energizing bunny bitch...
Faked my way to the end of cardio...on to the second DVD
Why am I 1.5 hours into a 1 hour workout?
She hurts me.
I'm out of shape and gross.
Does this ever end?
I made it...I hate her...see you tomorrow.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Night at the "Museum"
Went to sleep over at a "Science Museum" with the girl, a Brownie trip.
I used the quotes there because this place is just as much a science museum as my apartment is a space station.
Let's start off with the fact that this place is a house...a 100 year old house that had a musty, old, dead smell. Before the bitterness took over, I was able to appreciate some of the history and detail of the house. But, I was quickly led to the room where we'd be sleeping. Hardwood floors friends. Not even a crappy, dust-ridden carpet. Just a hardwood dirty floor. Joy!
Let's just get to the meat of this, shall we?
1. Eleven girl scouts, four adults, one bathroom.
2. Lack of heat.
3. The freakshow of a tour guide that slept over with us. She appeared to have an aversion to soap. And toothpaste. And intelligence.
4. The only other mom there was the one that gives me the stink eye at every girl scout meeting. Let's cuddle!
5. I was assigned three girls. My kid, let's call the other two Grace and Dana.
6. Dana:
6a. "Giwls can get dwessed togethew because we all have da same pwivates!" (As she stripped down naked.)
6b. "My mom packed me a midnight snack! Toast with spway buttew!"
6c. Dana does not require a tissue to blow her nose. Doing so in her glove seemed to be perfectly acceptable.
7. My TexAss friend joked that there would be spiders. Trying to tease me. Not only were there spiders, they had a PET tarantula... WHAT THE FUCK?!
8. They made us hike...two hours at night to see nothing but snow and then an hour the next morning on the beach to see, you guessed it...snow! Surprise! Snow! Wow! How special! Wait...something about this mysterious white substance seems familiar to me...I can't quite put my finger on it... OH WAIT! I know! I HAVE HAD A FUCKING SHIT LOAD OF THIS BITCH COLD BULLSHIT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.
9. They had two rooms of animals. One room of reptiles (home of that dick tarantula) and one room of mammals that was the epicenter of the rancid stench that poisoned the entire house.
10. The kids fell asleep well after midnight and started waking up around 5:30. I got approximately 45 minutes of sleep...spaced out in 5 minute intervals. Some of those intervals may have been hallucinations of sleep. I can't be sure.
End result? I hate myself for agreeing to that trip. I couldn't hate myself more. It felt like Navy Seal boot camp - that I not only enrolled in willingly but PAID for.
My girl, though? She will tell you she had a GREAT time. She will tell you it was fun and she slept great and that she just cannot WAIT to go to camp in June. So... it made it all worthwhile. I have to say that, right?
'
I used the quotes there because this place is just as much a science museum as my apartment is a space station.
Let's start off with the fact that this place is a house...a 100 year old house that had a musty, old, dead smell. Before the bitterness took over, I was able to appreciate some of the history and detail of the house. But, I was quickly led to the room where we'd be sleeping. Hardwood floors friends. Not even a crappy, dust-ridden carpet. Just a hardwood dirty floor. Joy!
Let's just get to the meat of this, shall we?
1. Eleven girl scouts, four adults, one bathroom.
2. Lack of heat.
3. The freakshow of a tour guide that slept over with us. She appeared to have an aversion to soap. And toothpaste. And intelligence.
4. The only other mom there was the one that gives me the stink eye at every girl scout meeting. Let's cuddle!
5. I was assigned three girls. My kid, let's call the other two Grace and Dana.
6. Dana:
6a. "Giwls can get dwessed togethew because we all have da same pwivates!" (As she stripped down naked.)
6b. "My mom packed me a midnight snack! Toast with spway buttew!"
6c. Dana does not require a tissue to blow her nose. Doing so in her glove seemed to be perfectly acceptable.
7. My TexAss friend joked that there would be spiders. Trying to tease me. Not only were there spiders, they had a PET tarantula... WHAT THE FUCK?!
8. They made us hike...two hours at night to see nothing but snow and then an hour the next morning on the beach to see, you guessed it...snow! Surprise! Snow! Wow! How special! Wait...something about this mysterious white substance seems familiar to me...I can't quite put my finger on it... OH WAIT! I know! I HAVE HAD A FUCKING SHIT LOAD OF THIS BITCH COLD BULLSHIT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.
9. They had two rooms of animals. One room of reptiles (home of that dick tarantula) and one room of mammals that was the epicenter of the rancid stench that poisoned the entire house.
10. The kids fell asleep well after midnight and started waking up around 5:30. I got approximately 45 minutes of sleep...spaced out in 5 minute intervals. Some of those intervals may have been hallucinations of sleep. I can't be sure.
End result? I hate myself for agreeing to that trip. I couldn't hate myself more. It felt like Navy Seal boot camp - that I not only enrolled in willingly but PAID for.
My girl, though? She will tell you she had a GREAT time. She will tell you it was fun and she slept great and that she just cannot WAIT to go to camp in June. So... it made it all worthwhile. I have to say that, right?
'
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