Change

The cool breeze in NYC this week brings back memories of those first days back to school, and autumn...I love autumn.

The past few years our Septembers have been hot as hell. I wonder if that will change this year.

I'm kind of...I don't know. I'm needing some kind of motivation. I need change. I feel it coming, too, and it scares the shit out of me.

Change always works out in the end so I don't know why I fear it so much but I just do. I fear everything. I fear people from my past trying to be my friend on facebook - I'm like, "WHY? What do you want to KNOW?!" Then I skim my page looking for incriminating things...only to be reminded that I live a pretty boring life nowadays. It revolves completely around the girl and so my page is basically a shrine to her. Spy away old friends.

I've become cautious, too. Cautious of people trying to screw me. A lot of people try to do that. I must have the characteristics of an excellent stepping stone. People frequently use me to feel better about themselves, get what they want, pawn off anger about themselves or others...I am of good use for these things.

I wish I could tell you that after all this time I have learned to let it slide right off. Alas, friends, I absorb it like a fucking sponge. Then I sit and marinate in it.

I take all of those problems, the hate, the sideways anger, and even though I know it's not about me, I wonder about how I could have made it better for these people...end up blaming myself.

Autumn is my happy time. Usually I am breaking out my autumn decor by now, my pumpkin and apple scented candles...creating a calendar full of my favorite autumn activities. But I'm stuck here in sludge created especially for me by people in my life. People I kid myself into thinking give a shit about me, but in truth...they don't.

I form a lot of one way friendships. I care. I give. I help. I'm here. They're not.

I'm old now. I need to learn how the rest of the world does it. How they just let it roll off their backs...

How do you do it people? Someone help a bitch out.