George Clooney wasn't there...

I went to the ER Sunday night. I lost my vision twice. It was like some angry blob crept over my right eye until I couldn't see anything, and then crept away, twice.

Everyone said that was a big deal. So I went to the ER with my bff, dropping the girl off somewhere first. I figured I was in for a long night.

I check in, and the woman says, "That is certainly a concern" after I described what happened...always reassuring, the hospital staff.

I got a little bed in the corner of the ER. The older man across from me kept lifting his sheet to flash me his man parts. He was 90 so I can't say this was the least bit pleasant.

Doc 1 comes over. Evaluates and says, "Sounds like you had a couple of strokes." His face does not change through our entire conversation, which was brief. Essentially, he knows nothing and will send me for tests. Which tests? Who knows? He doesn't say. We learn quickly that you must ask a very precise question to get answers from Doc 1 and so we prep a list for the next time he comes over.

Nurse man comes to draw blood. BFF tries not to pass out. I ask him what he's testing for. He is surprised at how little I know. I tell him who my doctor is and he says the man has no personality or bedside manner and not to take it personally. Yay for me.

A chick in the opposite corner is bitchin and moaning the entire time I'm there. She makes use of her self phone regularly to instruct her husband how to prep the kids for bed. Turns out she has a cut on her pinky finger that is not even bleeding anymore. The doctor gives her a bandaid and I proceed to make fun of her for the rest of the night. BFF and I conclude that she cut herself to get away from the children. We log it away for future use.

BFF finally goes home. At this point my 90 year old friend develops gas that sounds as though he is shitting himself, repeatedly. He finds the sound hilarious. I think he was trying to wave the stink my way.

In the morning I awaken to the sound of my old friend asking the nurse if she will wash his private parts. She says no. He says, "What about my rear end?" She says no...he farts.

I got a cat scan, blood work a second time, my carotid arteries checked, an ekg, a heart monitor strapped to me for the length of my stay, an echo of my heart, any maybe some other stuff that I'm forgetting. I did not have tumors nor did I have a stroke.

I have ocular migraines. Have to take a pill everyday forever so I don't go blind while driving or anything important like that. Admit it, you are jealous.