Yes, it's been a while. But now that I've publicly outed my pregnancy I figured I could start bitching and moaning about it, too. Fair is fair.
So, I'm about 5 months along. I keep getting colds. When you get a cold, you cough. When you're pregnant - coughing makes you pee yourself.
My new goal in life is not to pee myself. Pathetic...pathetic squared...pathetic infinity.
I will stop, mid-stride, to cross my legs and cough/sneeze. Then I just have to hope for the best.
Another pee thing - at the doctor I have to pee in a cup. I'm generally doing this once a month. I have completely underestimated the precision and accuracy of a penis...and for the first time in my life I find myself jealous of the snake that bit me.
Va-hoot-hoots have no accuracy. It's like one of those carnival games that's impossible to win. I try new things each time I go. I have tried to put the whole cup over the "area," creating some sort of vacuum seal...I don't know...the pee finds it's way onto my hand every time. Tips appreciated...
The boy.
Yes, it's a boy. With a penis. And balls.
Balls?
What do you even DO with those?
And then there's the circumcision...
Basically, I am to allow a doctor to cut a piece of my boy off, like, days after his birth.
"Here, doctor, see this flappy thing? Remove it promptly! I'm taking my boy's future sex life into consideration here!"
I mean, that's really what it's all about right? Looking the part? No turtle neck for my boy!
Fucking strange. But, I'm gonna do it anyway...so...moving on...
I'm a cranky pregnant person. I don't "glow." I don't become the epitome of happiness. I become enraged with jealousy when I see thin people. I'm "put-out" by having to eat more, pee more, and having doctors all up in my bid-niz all the damn time.
So, essentially, what I'm saying here...is this isn't the last you'll hear from me on the topic.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday's Anger
Don't ask me about that bitch Tracy. I do it sometimes but I hate her so much and I hate her little repetitive workout music more.
I was driving to work today and the amount of times I almost killed people were uncanny.
Humans...
We used to have the WALK/DON'T WALK signs in NYC. But now, since we have so many non-English speaking/illiterate people living here we have RED HAND (stop walking) or WHITE MAN (Walk) to tell these people what to do. I think they are confused because they all just walk no matter what. Red hand, white man, cars speeding by, they walk. They walk in MOBS, too - so you aren't just going to hit one, you will hit a bunch of them. They own the sidewalks and the streets...just walking, walking, all the time. Not just in the crosswalk either...they spontaneously pop out from between two parked cars and walk. Then they do one of two things - stare at you with a "I dare you" look on their faces or just plain don't look at all. They just cross, hoping I am not paying attention and hit them so they can sue me.
Cabs...
God, I should stretch before I get going on these mother fuckers. HATE is not a strong enough word. YOU CAN'T DRIVE! You obnoxious fucking assholes. YOU MERGE INTO MY FOCUS which forces me to bend over while you fucking cut me off like your yellow cab brothers have done ALL DAY LONG. I keep a cup holder full of spare change (not quarters, you are not even WORTH quarters) to throw at your windshield each and every time you do this to me. Know what else? When I am tailgating you so none of your little fucked up friends cut me off, you like to just STOP in the middle of the street, throw your hazards on and let people out. PULL OVER YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
Gypsy cabs...
The yellow cabs distant cousin. You are a last resort. No one likes you. The only time people get in your cars is when it's a shit storm outside and there isn't a yellow cab in sight. Why? Because you look like rapists who are waiting for unsuspecting women to get into your cars so you can drive away and sell them into human trafficking. Also, you can't drive worth a shit either. I sometimes wonder if you cover your eyes while driving just for fun.
People on bikes...
...look, I get that you are doing the right thing here. You are trying to exercise, save money on gas, be a liberal, whatever it is...that's great for you. But do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from me when I'm driving. No, you know what? Always. Just always stay the fuck away from me always. I hate you. I hate your bike. I hate your stupid helmet. I hate the little water bottle holder that flaunts your ability to wake up in the morning and not only workout but drink WATER instead of coffee. I hate how you sneak up behind me and then when I try to make a right turn you're all yelling at me because I nearly run you over. I hate how you can ride in the street but red lights don't apply to you. I hate how I have to slow down to 2 miles an hour when I'm behind you on a narrow street because I can't pass. I hate your little horn, too. Know what? I even hate you when I'm a pedestrian. I hate you always. Fuck off.
I was driving to work today and the amount of times I almost killed people were uncanny.
Humans...
We used to have the WALK/DON'T WALK signs in NYC. But now, since we have so many non-English speaking/illiterate people living here we have RED HAND (stop walking) or WHITE MAN (Walk) to tell these people what to do. I think they are confused because they all just walk no matter what. Red hand, white man, cars speeding by, they walk. They walk in MOBS, too - so you aren't just going to hit one, you will hit a bunch of them. They own the sidewalks and the streets...just walking, walking, all the time. Not just in the crosswalk either...they spontaneously pop out from between two parked cars and walk. Then they do one of two things - stare at you with a "I dare you" look on their faces or just plain don't look at all. They just cross, hoping I am not paying attention and hit them so they can sue me.
Cabs...
God, I should stretch before I get going on these mother fuckers. HATE is not a strong enough word. YOU CAN'T DRIVE! You obnoxious fucking assholes. YOU MERGE INTO MY FOCUS which forces me to bend over while you fucking cut me off like your yellow cab brothers have done ALL DAY LONG. I keep a cup holder full of spare change (not quarters, you are not even WORTH quarters) to throw at your windshield each and every time you do this to me. Know what else? When I am tailgating you so none of your little fucked up friends cut me off, you like to just STOP in the middle of the street, throw your hazards on and let people out. PULL OVER YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
Gypsy cabs...
The yellow cabs distant cousin. You are a last resort. No one likes you. The only time people get in your cars is when it's a shit storm outside and there isn't a yellow cab in sight. Why? Because you look like rapists who are waiting for unsuspecting women to get into your cars so you can drive away and sell them into human trafficking. Also, you can't drive worth a shit either. I sometimes wonder if you cover your eyes while driving just for fun.
People on bikes...
...look, I get that you are doing the right thing here. You are trying to exercise, save money on gas, be a liberal, whatever it is...that's great for you. But do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from me when I'm driving. No, you know what? Always. Just always stay the fuck away from me always. I hate you. I hate your bike. I hate your stupid helmet. I hate the little water bottle holder that flaunts your ability to wake up in the morning and not only workout but drink WATER instead of coffee. I hate how you sneak up behind me and then when I try to make a right turn you're all yelling at me because I nearly run you over. I hate how you can ride in the street but red lights don't apply to you. I hate how I have to slow down to 2 miles an hour when I'm behind you on a narrow street because I can't pass. I hate your little horn, too. Know what? I even hate you when I'm a pedestrian. I hate you always. Fuck off.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
PolkaDot Cupcake Shop
Just givin a HOLLA to my friend's cupcake shop. Only because I actually LIKE the cupcakes.
I ate one today, Tracy will be so disappointed. Oh the shame.
But it was worth it.
She delivers to the Tri-State area so check it out...
http://www.polkadotcupcakeshop.com/
CCCUUUPPPPCCCAAAAAKKKKEEESSSS!
I will never be thin. Ever. Fuck.
Love,
FattyMcButterPants
I ate one today, Tracy will be so disappointed. Oh the shame.
But it was worth it.
She delivers to the Tri-State area so check it out...
http://www.polkadotcupcakeshop.com/
CCCUUUPPPPCCCAAAAAKKKKEEESSSS!
I will never be thin. Ever. Fuck.
Love,
FattyMcButterPants
Tracy Anderabs Day 5
So, (not engaged) Friday was my anniversary (not engaged) and no, I am not engaged. So, can people stop asking me? THANKS. It's like getting fucking pecked to death by a chicken.
Saturday I planted an apple tree in my man's yard. That brought me happiness.
Sunday, mother's day. Nothing big. Breakfast out, park, walk by the beach, picnic, all that. Nice day.
Monday, I came home to find these pictures that I blew up of my girl like 2 years ago, framed and on my wall! Surprise! My man surprised me with a surprise I actually like! Yay!
Threw in the Tracy DVD...I definitely see progress in the amount I can do without taking a break. For instance, this blog is being typed a day AFTER the workout - meaning I did not stop long enough to log on and complain about it. This is good!
I can't tell if I am losing weight, or looking better, or whatever...but I still like the workout.
The thing I don't like:
In the beginning of the DVD it's all Tracy doing moves, or smiling, or showing off her AnderAbs. Everything from her white teeth to her smooth skin is starting to piss me off. There is no skipping this intro...so now I walk away until I hear the work out music because I just can't stand to look at her perfection.
I don't really like her face much...I think she has a big nose...I have a normal nose...so I beat her there.
Final score:
Tracy - 3,438,960,789,623,578
Me - 1
Saturday I planted an apple tree in my man's yard. That brought me happiness.
Sunday, mother's day. Nothing big. Breakfast out, park, walk by the beach, picnic, all that. Nice day.
Monday, I came home to find these pictures that I blew up of my girl like 2 years ago, framed and on my wall! Surprise! My man surprised me with a surprise I actually like! Yay!
Threw in the Tracy DVD...I definitely see progress in the amount I can do without taking a break. For instance, this blog is being typed a day AFTER the workout - meaning I did not stop long enough to log on and complain about it. This is good!
I can't tell if I am losing weight, or looking better, or whatever...but I still like the workout.
The thing I don't like:
In the beginning of the DVD it's all Tracy doing moves, or smiling, or showing off her AnderAbs. Everything from her white teeth to her smooth skin is starting to piss me off. There is no skipping this intro...so now I walk away until I hear the work out music because I just can't stand to look at her perfection.
I don't really like her face much...I think she has a big nose...I have a normal nose...so I beat her there.
Final score:
Tracy - 3,438,960,789,623,578
Me - 1
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tracy Anderbitch Day 4
Ok, so I didn't work out last night. I was borderline dead. I feel badly about skipping but, dude, when your whole body is broken it's really difficult to visualize working out and making it happen. I didn't overeat for the day - I just didn't work out with Tracy.
Put the workout DVD in just now. Arms, abs...check. Leg lifts? Che... ok you caught me, I'm on break. PS it's 40 leg lifts times 4 different ways of lifting equals 160 leg lifts on just one leg! She doesn't even alternate! She's all, bust out a quick 160 leg lifts on the right annnnddd switch to the left.
I think she is a robot. Or maybe her skeleton is titanium like Wolverine. I can't be sure but something is just not right about her.
I swear she is looking at me different today. I heard her whisper lazy fat slug or maybe that was just in my head.
I was 138 this morning. That's -2 lbs for those mathematically challenged. Going back...
Oh, the girl needs to be tucked in...I guess I'll have to take another break. Darn.
Workout mostly done. Can I stand to do cardio? I'd rather watch Vampire Diaries. I heard it was super awesome this week.
3 minutes and 50 seconds into cardio...break. I'm not making much progress with this am I?
I'm waiting for the day when I watch more than I do. Night folks.
Put the workout DVD in just now. Arms, abs...check. Leg lifts? Che... ok you caught me, I'm on break. PS it's 40 leg lifts times 4 different ways of lifting equals 160 leg lifts on just one leg! She doesn't even alternate! She's all, bust out a quick 160 leg lifts on the right annnnddd switch to the left.
I think she is a robot. Or maybe her skeleton is titanium like Wolverine. I can't be sure but something is just not right about her.
I swear she is looking at me different today. I heard her whisper lazy fat slug or maybe that was just in my head.
I was 138 this morning. That's -2 lbs for those mathematically challenged. Going back...
Oh, the girl needs to be tucked in...I guess I'll have to take another break. Darn.
Workout mostly done. Can I stand to do cardio? I'd rather watch Vampire Diaries. I heard it was super awesome this week.
3 minutes and 50 seconds into cardio...break. I'm not making much progress with this am I?
I'm waiting for the day when I watch more than I do. Night folks.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
TA...that skinny bitch...day 3
Home, sore as a mofo. Like every time I sneeze, laugh, cough...move...I hurt. Everything hurts.
Do I keep going? Do I workout tonight? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I pushed myself so hard I thought I might vomit. I'm not saying that for emphasis...I literally felt the need to throw up my dinner. That was when I gave up for the night.
Do I keep going? Do I workout tonight? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I pushed myself so hard I thought I might vomit. I'm not saying that for emphasis...I literally felt the need to throw up my dinner. That was when I gave up for the night.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tracy Day 2
I don't feel sore (yet?).
I have been fearing coming home all day because I knew Tracy was here waiting for me. But something happened during the car ride home...I felt like I wanted to come home and do the work out. As a matter of fact I couldn't wait. Weird.
Ate dinner, watched Gossip Girl...here goes...
140.6 lbs this morning. (I'm using this as a starting weight)
7:45 pm - starting with the work out first tonight...then cardio.
8:04 pm - made it through weights and abs without a break...then start the dreaded leg lifts. I wonder how many she does? 100 per leg? Tomorrow I'll count.
8:23 pm...Finished that...I think I did better today than yesterday, knew what to expect.
38 minutes for a 30 minute workout...ok...
Cardio is next...don't want to...meh...
barely half a cardio...must lay down...tomorrow's another day.
-FattyMcButterPants
I have been fearing coming home all day because I knew Tracy was here waiting for me. But something happened during the car ride home...I felt like I wanted to come home and do the work out. As a matter of fact I couldn't wait. Weird.
Ate dinner, watched Gossip Girl...here goes...
140.6 lbs this morning. (I'm using this as a starting weight)
7:45 pm - starting with the work out first tonight...then cardio.
8:04 pm - made it through weights and abs without a break...then start the dreaded leg lifts. I wonder how many she does? 100 per leg? Tomorrow I'll count.
8:23 pm...Finished that...I think I did better today than yesterday, knew what to expect.
38 minutes for a 30 minute workout...ok...
Cardio is next...don't want to...meh...
barely half a cardio...must lay down...tomorrow's another day.
-FattyMcButterPants
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